12 AM Thoughts.

1. My feet are sore because of all the running I've done tonight. I guess I went a little overboard with it like I do with a lot of other things.

2. It's funny how I try to fill a void with the most pointless things ever. Are all human beings like this? Do we fill our void with inane things and expect to find meaning in the end?

3. Empty houses and broken hearts have more stories to tell. Distraught minds are often better than distracted minds. Late nights make for more open-hearted conversations while daytime conversations are just guarded.

4. There was a time in my life when I would distinctly remember lines from the books I read. I'd remember the lines that'd stir (or even snap) something deep inside of me or make me weep profusely. Now, I don't. Either I've stopped reading good books or I'm too distraught to remember stories I love. But hey, I can still recall the last lines from 'What We Talk About When We Talk About Love' by Raymond Carver.

5. I've rarely missed a train. Maybe only once, and the memory of it is rather faint. But recently, I had a dream where I was sitting alone on a bench and watched the train I was waiting for leave right in front of my very eyes. I anticipated for its arrival, I watched it as it halted, and then witnessed it move slowly. I had to get on it, but I didn't even move an inch. I let it pass. I let it leave.

Tune for tonight: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z5s3m9_Lq0

Afterglow.

We both were used to the clamour of the night clubs. Stuck in a camp amidst hills where even silence refused to reach us, we were forced to make strained conversations. Back in the city, we never found it difficult to speak our guts out, but here, with the endless sky and the shining stars in the night, we were under pressure to make meaningful conversations. Talk about the change of scene and all that!

Despite the change of scene, we still had to follow the custom where I initiated the conversation, and him taking the lead. Small talk wasn't really our forte, but I began with one.

"Don't you think it would have been nicer if the colour of our sleeping bags matched that of our tent?"

"Seriously, is that what's running in your head?"

"I mean it would have at least made for a good Instagram picture. Don't you think so?"

"Of course not! Anyway, should we set up the campfire?"

"What? No!"

"But it's getting colder."

"But we won't see the stars if we have the fire."

"Alright, what do you want to do then?"

"We could talk."

"Yeah, we could."

"What do you want to talk?"

"Anything you like."

"Anything? Great!"

Without continuing the conversation any further, I looked at him. He was struggling to put things in an order. He never liked any mess just the way he didn't know how to make one. His nose flared a bit in the air as he tried to keep the tent unkempt and his cheeks turned red when he realized I was staring at him.

And then, I started again.

"Did you ever love someone so much that it pained each time you looked at them smile?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

"Did you?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"Why?"

"I never really gave it much of a thought, but I guess the ones who aren't born out of love crave love a tad bit more than the others."

"Or it's just that you're crazy."

"That too!"

"No, it's just that."

We ended our conversation with just that. I curled into his arms and fell asleep looking at the stars as he ran his fingers through my hair. Sometimes, silence says a lot more than words. If only we hear them.

Tune for the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnTelUJrDhc

Waking Up in Goa.

I always thought I was a little cuckoo about new places and new people as I like to look at them with rose tinted glasses, hoping there is something new left for me to discover, something that no one else has seen with their own eyes. So, even when I am surrounded by a lot of people, I am mostly alone, because my mind is overblowing the beauty of new places.

When I told my friends I was going to Goa in June, everyone warned me that I might not be able to do much because it's an off-season. Or that a person like me who abhors crowds and noise can do pretty much nothing at Goa. Well, I came back from Goa with mixed feelings. Feelings that included how I loved being a stranger there and how I disliked the shacks and the pandemonium they came along with. Much to my disappointment, there were no water activities, and I could not witness a single sunset. Neither could I visit the bookstores that were on my list nor could I go to a certain restaurant because of the off-season. And yet, I had a wonderful time. To read the full post, go here: https://medium.com/@sunainapatnaik/waking-up-in-goa-c5e49aeffd55

Tune for the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Su2jltmOITU

How Long Will You?

Photo by Léonard Cotte on Unsplash

How long will you deny yourself the smallest of pleasures? How long will you let demons play with your mind? How long will you pick everything above your heart's desires? How long will you wait to take a leap of faith? How long will you lie to yourself? How long will you allow your brain dictate rules? How long will you not listen to your heart? How long will you let your insecurities take over you? How long will you make someone wait for you? How long will you walk on the sideways not living your dreams? How long will you hold on to self-made fallacies? How long will you wait before you own your story? Will you ever? How long will you stop yourself from falling in love? How long will you not let someone love you for who you are?

Look at your reflection in the mirror and ask yourself. Maybe even tell me, how long will you?

Tune for the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHNNMj5bNQw