Tuesday, March 29, 2016


By Sunaina Patnaik at Tuesday, March 29, 2016 2 comments

When I was in school, I was a geek of all orders. I took an active participation in crafts, poetry, science clubs, literary contests, and of course, my favourite - Philately, Library clubs. In spite of being a nimble kid and a participant in almost anything, I was still that weird, geeky and often the ugly South Indian kid from III (A). It did not matter much then. I mean, what would an eight year old know of labels and the baggage they come along with? Well, pretty much nothing.

As I grew older and moved to high school, not much has changed. I was still a good student. I was still fetching good grades. I was still taking part in myriad contests and stuff. But I was still the not so attractive high school girl. I was barely thirteen and this issue did seem to trouble me a great deal. My unruly curls were barely tamed and I had no absolute interest in anything but reading and sketching. I was painfully skinny but I could easily lose track of time, and forego dinner while immersing myself in a project that I thought was highly important. Sure, I did want to be the prettiest girl, but I also wanted to be one at my accord. You know, be a part of Philately club and still be seen as a girl who was gorgeous by all standards. Unfortunately, those standards weren't met. Being the poster child of anxiety, I fretted upon things like this and stayed up late several nights crying over my looks.

I don't know what transpires between primary school and high school, but in high school, everyone turns into delinquents, slowly adjusting to that abominable attitude. Trying to please the world by hurting themselves or trying to please themselves by hurting the world. In due time, I grew older. I transformed. And owing to the transformation, I was subjected to garbage like 'Wow! You look pretty now.' 'How did you change so much?' 'What a splendid transformation!' 'Are you the same girl?' Boys who thought I was a lost case in high school soon turned into men who tried to win my attention. The ball was finally in my court. However, this wasn't high school and I had a bad case of attention disorder. From 'Boys don't like nerds like you' to 'You cannot keep a man', I have been labelled more often than required. And sometimes, for no reason whatsoever. It troubles me even to this day, but hey, I've been developing some thick skin these days.

I label people too. Based on their actions. Based on how they deal with their fellow human beings. Hell, even with animals. I am not sure if it's alright to label people even on that but I am sure as hell that it's better than labeling people based on what they do not do.

On interacting with my younger cousins these days, I happen to realize that nothing much has changed. High school still does seem like a place where geeks remain to be treated as smart yet ugly people while the good looking ones are treated as the dumb ones. Labels, I tell you! Hard to change. Hard to pet. They come in all sizes, shapes, and colours. Right from you to the stranger sharing your seat in a local bus, we all have been labelled (often nastily) at several stages of our life.

Clearly, it's no fun.
We all still do it and go overboard with it.

What we don't realize is that they don't have to define us. We are not things that come in boxes with tags and labels. We could be a lot of things, but a mere label? Well, that's not what we are made for!

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Words Versus Silence.

By Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, March 27, 2016 0 comments

Words come easy to me.
But when I'm with you, I don't fill the silence with words.
As we sit at the corner of a coffee shop away from the world,
The darkness of the place, the pretty lights dangling up above,
Everything is perfect, but I don't try to fill the silence with words.
We laugh over the things that remain unsaid, we smile over the
thoughts that run in our heads.
You ask me to spill them out loud, but I don't feel the need to fill the
silence with words.
As I circle my fingers over a cup of coffee, I know your eyes are on me.
You look like you mean to say something but your lips twitch into a smile instead.
Neither do you fill the silence with words nor do I.
Words do come easy to me.
But when I'm with you, it's mostly silence that engulfs me.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Why Do Good Things Scare Us?

By Sunaina Patnaik at Saturday, March 26, 2016 0 comments

It has been a solid two weeks since I've been asking the people around me why good things scare us! Everyone confirmed that good things scare us but no one really knew why they actually scare us.

I am thoroughly convinced that life does not act in our best interests and more often than required, it sends us on a painstaking journey of not-so-nice phases. In this process, when good things come our way, it is not surprising that we are all alarmed not knowing if it is happening for real or if we are fooled by yet another scam of life.

In one of my latest posts, I've distinctly mentioned that I am a neurotic person. So, I am not worried if something bad is going to send curve balls down my way, I am also worried that good things might simply vanish one day.

I think that's the thing! We are all scared that good things -- the things that make us look forward to the next day, the things that bring a smile to our face, the things that keep us sane, grounded, and bring a sense of calm over us, the things that simply exist adding beauty to our chaos might just cease to exist one day. Even worse, we are scared that we will be the ones ruining them. Instead of fighting for them, we simply settle for mediocrity or stop living the moments that life sends our way.

If something is scaring you for good, I guess it's worth it. In the end, we all want to hold on to the things that we are terrified to lose, isn't it?

Well, that's enough philosophy or I-don't-know-what-to-call-it for the day. A happy weekend, everyone!

Monday, March 21, 2016


By Sunaina Patnaik at Monday, March 21, 2016 0 comments

I wasn't the kind of kid who liked to bunk school. On the odd days when I would fall sick and be forced to take a leave, my mind was consumed with inane thoughts. Thoughts where I'd assume that all the kids are moving forward in terms of the class work and learning while I was home sneezing and coughing. Not a pretty picture, I know. But I could never control my obsession over school when I stayed home.

This rather sordid habit of mine has only gotten worse as I grew older. It has simply surpassed the stage where I plainly refuse to take leaves even on the most important days except on my birthday. I like to go to work every day, and in the rare cases when I don't, I always assume that everyone is finishing up their work, meeting their deadlines, and probably doing more than what they are meant to do. Just like the good old school days. Because, well, old habits die hard, don't they?

I have been trying hard to get rid of this habit, though. A. Because it's not healthy, and B. It makes me a freak. So, I've been actively investing in doing things that are not relevant to my work. It's also helping me being more productive at work, but let's not get there. Because this is a post on how I'm chilling out in a non-harmful way. After a really long time, I was on a break from work today as one of my really good friends is on a short visit to India, and our group of friends wanted to meet. We spent the entire day consuming food and coffee, but more importantly, in the horrid traffic. All we did was talk about Coke Studio and movies. On a regular day, I would have whined about the traffic, but today, barring the rare comments, the traffic did not seem like a hindrance to our conversations that took us on a nostalgic trip.

The drive, the music, the lights, the moon at a distant, and of course, the company. Everything was just perfect. How amazing is it to have friends who can make simple conversations and Mondays so lively? Now back to our point of conversation, it's alright to take a break from work sometimes and indulge in having fun. I am going to try this more often hereafter. And nope, an apocalypse isn't going to strike if you are bunking work once in a while.

Friday, March 18, 2016


By Sunaina Patnaik at Friday, March 18, 2016 2 comments

If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her hands that paint the world inside her head.
If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her lean fingers that hold the contours of your face that was made to fit into her fingers.
If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her unruly curls that remain unaffected each time you try to run your fingers through it.
If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her heart shaped face that's smeared with the hues and blues of paint.
If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her big, brown eyes that look at the world around her in awe and agony.
If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her fervent lips that tremble even at the slightest of your touch.
If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her whimsical mind that takes you to places you've never been before.
If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her messy heart that holds more shades than the canvas can ever hold.
If you want to fall in love with her, fall in love with her wholly and irrecoverably like it’s the only redemption you've been waiting for.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016


By Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, March 16, 2016 0 comments

I am a neurotic person. I have delusions and morbid visions where someone walks into my room in the middle of the night and steals my laptop, or that my car topples and the glasses shatter. Sometimes, I also have weird visions where my best friend (Sorry, Asisha, but I cannot help it) vanishes into thin air, poof! There is more, but let me spare you the thoughts.

I have no absolute control over these delusions and visions. Like love and luck, they walk into my mind when they want. And when they leave, they do at their accord. I am not the one to stop or command them to stay. Maybe, it is these strange thoughts that make me hold on to the people and things in my life ever so dearly.

For the moment, let me just put my delusions and visions aside. Let me bring my thoughts, the root cause of it all, into the picture. I always think about tomorrow. While it's not that bad a thing to do, it does seem a little lame when I refuse to enjoy the present. It does seem a little flimsy that I refute the beauty of 'right now' constantly while pining for the far-fetched future. Well, that's the hardship of being a major worrier.

However, a major worrier too has her share of good days. Like today! Because today, all I want to do is to listen to my playlist, read a lovely book (I'm reading one already), and eat at least two slices of pizza without worrying about the amount of food I'm consuming. Today, all I want to do is, not scold someone for ruining my coffee or weep in horror about what tomorrow holds in store for me. And more importantly, talk about it all to a certain someone who is a second chance I never dared to ask for.

As for worrying, well, let me worry about it tomorrow.

Monday, March 14, 2016

What's Lost Is Lost.

By Sunaina Patnaik at Monday, March 14, 2016 0 comments

You are his favourite voice in the morning.
He is the boy who embraces your mess and loves you for who you truly are.
He is the boy who understands your silence and listens to your unsaid words.
He is the boy who loves you like you are his Sun and the Moon.
But you let him go.
You look for his shade, for his reflection in every boy you meet.
But what's lost is lost.

Sunday, March 13, 2016


By Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, March 13, 2016 0 comments

It has been over two years since I've visited my hometown, and I cannot even remember how long it has been since I spent my Summer there. These days, I talk a lot about it -- the beach, my grandparents' home, the orange sunsets, and the starry nights I've spent lounging on the roof. It's been too long, and I am in despair waiting to go back and stay there with no connection to my mobile phone, laptop, or just anything.

On my way back home from work, the traffic is generally quite horrendous. It makes me want to leave everything behind in this city and go back to the place that made my Summers breezy. Warm but not sultry. When I was a child, my cousins and I would gather around my grandmother in the courtyard every evening. Engulfed in the aroma of roses and magnolia, we'd spend countless hours there, forcing my grandmother to narrate horror stories from her childhood. A little later in the night, we would all move to the rooftop which has a clear view of a small lake adjacent to a temple. Occasionally a train would pass by at a distant with its siren sounding like a symphony to us. We did not have an email to get back to, or an important call to attend. We only had to compete with each other to reach out to the faraway lights and the stars in the sky. Everything was just that effortless.

Most of the times, we all tend to forget that in the pursuit of making our dreams come alive, we leave behind the simple joys of life. At least, I do. I forget that while my dreams and aspirations are beautiful, my approach to living them is rather nugatory. I'm leaving behind a lot each day, every waking hour, and maybe during all moments. I can only conjure this - Have I really traded beautiful evenings in the beach for something this flavourless?

This is no fun, man. Such is life, though!

Wednesday, March 09, 2016


By Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, March 09, 2016 0 comments

My obsession with clothes isn't fairly new. As a child, my fascination for shopping and clothes knew no end. Even when I was barely two. I vividly remember the moments when I'd come home with a glee largely visible on my face after shopping with my parents. Or the moments when I would ask for frocks with more frills. But my joy never ended with just that, because every day I would plead (often emotionally manipulate) my mother into showing me my new clothes till I'd wear them for a festival or an occasion.

I had tons of disagreements with my father about clothes. Just like today. I always liked something fancy. He always liked something delicate. As I grew older, my fascination for clothes increased along with my arguments with my parents about them. Soon, we arrived at a conclusion that we cannot do shopping together, and I took to shopping alone or with friends.

When I started earning, I imagined I could just buy everything I liked. Like I would walk into Vero Moda and walk out with at least five white bags or that I would simply step into Steve Madden and quickly swipe my card for a pair of glittery shoes that were carefully packed in one of their purple boxes. It would all be that simple, that's what I thought. Unfortunately, it was not. It was far, miles away from it. I would walk into a store and find everything so drab that I just walk out sad and dejected. I would walk into all my favourite stores in a mall and curse each of them for having things that don't excite me. And this isn't how I imagined things would be when I was a little girl. When I was a little girl, everything was beautiful. Everything seemed rosy. Everything looked like it belonged in my closet. You know what I mean? The little girl definitely did not sign up for this sort of disappointment.

Maybe you don't understand, but having a closet brimming with the choicest of clothes always meant something amazing to me. So, my fascination for clothes gradually turned into a serious compulsion to find anything half decent. Sometimes, finding half decent too became a daunting task.

My friend is engaged to be married soon, and I wanted to get a stunning outfit for her big day. Call it lack of choices or helplessness, I implored my mother to accompany me for shopping. This time, I did not use my half-baked brain or ideas, but only followed her and walked out with a little more than what I asked for. With a glee on my face  that the little girl would have approved.

I reckon there are some things in life that our parents know better. Be it the clothes that look great on us, or the life advice they constantly dole out on us. While it's not mandatory for us to follow it all, we lose absolutely nothing to pay attention, right?

P.S. Now, I got to go and adore my new dress all over again.


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