Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Trench.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, August 16, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
Right now, my mind is a malleable trench of emotions and thoughts,
easily swayed as the gust of wind,
but also as composed as a stubborn ox,
maybe it has a mind of its own,
how ridiculous,
if my mind has a mind of its own,
unconditionally untamed by me,
then what is it that I can do?
should I tap into the inner realms of my mind
to remind it of my integrity?
or must I surrender to it?
it feels stupid, of course,
to dictate terms just because I want to,
but then, how do I stop feeling things that I
shouldn’t if I don’t break the silly trench free?

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Left Behind.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, August 13, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

I knew you wanted to be engulfed in the magnanimity of the sprawling Himalayas,
and walk the streets of New York,
you were a bit obsessed with the Swiss Alps,
and with the houseboats on the Dal Lake,
remember the times you'd point pictures of various towns and
cities across the world?
and that you wanted to be there,
live there,
see the snow melt in your palms,
I know you haven't been to any of them,
in fact, you haven't been anywhere,
but I will go to all the places you dreamed of,
touch them with your presence,
and maybe leave a bit of yourself there,
after all, I'm a bit of yourself that you left behind.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Sky.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Saturday, August 12, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

When was the last time you wept at the sight of a sunrise? Did you ever?

I've always been besotted with the sky. The starlit night, the melancholic sunset, and the sanguine sunrise - my romance with all the shades and moods of the sky for an inexplicable reason seems to make me restless, though. Will I ever see them in different cities across other continents? Over deserts, cold and hot, and over clear Californian beaches? Does nightfall seem exotic in Paris and does it appear pensive in Prague? I really want to see the rising sun in Turkey and discover how it actually rises in Cherrapunji. If I had to make a bucket list right now, observing the sky transform its mood from bitter to joyous to charming will top the list.

P.S. Actually, wait. If I could, I would prefer sunsets to sunrises.

Friday, August 11, 2017

INTERLUDE.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Friday, August 11, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
Someday,
I might stop remembering the sound of your laugh,
I might stop knowing your scent,
I might stop smiling to the tone of your sleepy voice,
I might stop recollecting how sometimes your smile
doesn't reach your eyes,
I might stop telling you about my day in detail,
I might stop looking at your pictures and wonder
what you must be doing,
or what you must be reading,
or if you are writing one of your delightful little stories,
I might stop asking you absolutely anything,
I might stop having the urge to send you little notes,
I might even stop trying to read between the lines,
and then slowly, someday,
I might stop hurting when I learn to unlove you,
maybe I could,
maybe I should,
but till then,
you're all I think about.


Thursday, August 10, 2017

Void.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, August 10, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
How you fill your void tells a lot about you! At least that's what I believe. I look at people I barely know and wonder if they're always this lively; if they ever undergo a certain state of nothingness, bouts of loneliness or episodes of pain when life absolutely spirals out of their control. Because it definitely happens to me. When I'm trying to fill my void. With things of meaning and things so meaningless. I fill my void with stupidity, with random acts of kindness but also snide remarks, with foolhardiness and boisterous attempts at reconnecting with people. With exotic teas from the hills and melancholic poems also from the hills. Sometimes with people I don't care at all about so that I can indulge in nonsensical banter. Maybe with silence, weak tears, impractical imaginations and fancy castles in the air. On bad days, I fill void with ennui, hurting the ones who care about me or simply hurting myself. Because void does mean things to everyone and I just use that as a reason. On good days, I fill it with filter coffee, photographs from good times, poetry, and not-so-long lasting things of all kinds.


If how you fill your void tells a lot about you, what does it tell about me?

Tune for the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A

Monday, August 07, 2017

To the Bone.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Monday, August 07, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
Source: To the Bone, Netflix

"I stand in front of the mirror,
stark naked,
not liking what I see,
I could be thinner,
and different,
so I starve yet another night,
surviving on a red apple that does not match
the colour of my cheeks,
I wake up in the middle of the night to a growling stomach and satiate my hunger with water,
I coax myself into believing - just one more day and I'm closer to being thin, again."


I grew up in a household where food was the cornerstone of every celebration. For failure too. Waking up to the aroma of spices wafting through the home was an everyday ritual and I, for many excellent reasons, grew up loving food. I don't remember a single day when my grandmother cooked something simple - there were no run-of-the-mill days. On Sundays when she got a break from cooking, my grandfather would spoil us with singadas and jalebis. Most of my outings revolved around planning my street food indulgence. I've come a long way from devouring delicacies to deviously calculating calories of every meal. Over the past few years, I've turned into a person who hoped her body could look different with less fat in some areas and at some point, I got obsessed with it. I wanted to be a lean machine and guess how I wanted to achieve that? By starving. Unfortunately, I did that to myself for weeks without understanding the nature of my body.


To begin with, I was always a bit healthy; my body frame was never made for skinny. In fact, I was skinny during teenage only because I was malnutritioned and fed myself on the belief that being skinny was beautiful. For the most obvious reasons, all of this led to anemia, lack of hemoglobin, low self-esteem, and an unhealthy relationship with my body. Of course, how can I forget my ability to faint at the most mundane places because I had no energy! I was unfathomably ruthless with myself. I skipped meals whenever I could and it was visible on my face. After all, if you are what you eat and you eat nothing, what will your skin look like?


I often stumble upon a quote on the Internet that women must not measure their worth by a thigh gap, but then each time we upload a picture on Instagram or Facebook, people usually comment "Have you lost weight?" or "Have you gained weight?" Alas, the unholy words! Why is that we notice the weight of a person before anything else? Why is it that we're so critical of ourselves and the people around us? It's deep rooted, but I'm glad people have started talking about this more than before. That eating healthy is great, but starving isn't. That cheat meals are okay but unnecessary diets aren't.


Last night I watched Lily Collins 'To the Bone' on Netflix, which was a flashback of my apparent misery I endured months ago. Maybe I still am frantic about not eating everything I want, but that's okay as long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night with a terrible stomach ache. Nights when I reassured myself that I was hours away from breakfast time. See the pattern with refusing to eat is that it becomes an addictive habit when the desire to eat slowly dies. You cannot stomach most of the items on your plate and you find certain food items disgusting too. To the Bone broaches the sensitive topic of anorexia piercingly while depicting the phantom fixation of an 'incorrigible thin' image. Even when it's killing us. I admit it was painful to watch it but it was a reminder that forming an unrealistic opinion of an ideal body and do utterly bizarre things to own it is more than ludicrous.


I remember the times when my mother would urge me to eat, and my friends would yell at me to finish everything on my plate. I refused to eat. I was beyond logic and sanity. And one fine day after fretting and spending many sleepless nights, I tried to understand what eating right was. I stopped glorifying starvation but I've also reduced eating out. Exponentially, if I must add. I prefer simple home-cooked meals and more importantly, I stand in front of the mirror and love what I see. After embracing more physical activity into my routine, I also see how my body and skin are transforming. Right from the time I was a teenager, I gluttonously consumed fashion magazines like a devil but now, I kicked them out of my life entirely. What's the point of reading something that barely makes you feel good about yourself?


Now if you ask me what my greatest learning is? It's this - Biryani > thigh gap.

Saturday, August 05, 2017

Spring.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Saturday, August 05, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

When you're desolate, angry, and alone
take my hand and put it on your heart,
tall promises of fixing you aren't my forte,
but I will hear your heartbeat,
make you feel alive,
because that's the greatest luxury we can own sometimes.

When you're gleeful, cheerful, and basking in glory,
try, maybe try and look into my eyes across the room,
I don't want you to fill the space between us with words,
I'm happy sharing the silence of everything that's unsaid
even if I say otherwise.

When you're distant and you have no clue of what's happening around you,
look into the sunset,
cry if you must,
and know that you're loved and this world is barely beautiful without you.

When you're burning with desire,
but your feet refuse to go everywhere your heart leads you to,
remember, just remember that sometimes the Spring has to bloom somewhere else too.

Tune for the day:


Wednesday, August 02, 2017

INCOHERENT.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, August 02, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
I blink as a blank sheet of paper looks at me, impassively. I look straight back at it as if it would help me conjure some words. Any words. Just any string of words that form meaningful sentences. In fact, I am fine with sentences that bear no meaning too. How can I expect a meaning from nothingness?

Coffee, may be a cup of coffee will push me, invoke my senses, and help me put some words on paper. But hello, how can I do absolutely anything when my mind is soaking in a deluge of thoughts? Thoughts that are strong. Thoughts that are mundane. Thoughts that are half-baked. Thoughts that ache. Thoughts that put me to an ease. And thoughts that don't. If all nooks and corners of mind are occupied with bits and pieces of everything, how can I find a room for eloquence? But I try because that's what I do.

I'm starting to think that a lot of beginnings are paved with endings. And that sunsets signify a life wasted over beauty and charm. What's worth living if you don't witness a sunrise in the hills, over beaches, and in cities that break you down? I'm starting to wonder if you can call your best kiss the first kiss? And if you can leave little notes of goodness each time you leave a coffee shop? I'm trying to figure out if there's more to life than love and loss, and how success is a parameter of achievement! I'm beginning to imagine if there's life somewhere else. And what if nights weren't really made for sleeping? What would we do then? Bare our souls out?

I'm wondering if my curiosity will do me more harm than good like it killed the cat. And how will I know that if I'm not curious? Fudge!

 

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