Saturday, July 22, 2017

12 AM Thoughts.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Saturday, July 22, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
1. My feet are sore because of all the running I've done tonight. I guess I went a little overboard with it like I do with a lot of other things.

2. It's funny how I try to fill a void with the most pointless things ever. Are all human beings like this? Do we fill our void with inane things and expect to find meaning in the end?

3. Empty houses and broken hearts have more stories to tell. Distraught minds are often better than distracted minds. Late nights make for more open-hearted conversations while daytime conversations are just guarded.

4. There was a time in my life when I would distinctly remember lines from the books I read. I'd remember the lines that'd stir (or even snap) something deep inside of me or make me weep profusely. Now, I don't. Either I've stopped reading good books or I'm too distraught to remember stories I love. But hey, I can still recall the last lines from 'What We Talk About When We Talk About Love' by Raymond Carver.

5. I've rarely missed a train. Maybe only once, and the memory of it is rather faint. But recently, I had a dream where I was sitting alone on a bench and watched the train I was waiting for leave right in front of my very eyes. I anticipated for its arrival, I watched it as it halted, and then witnessed it move slowly. I had to get on it, but I didn't even move an inch. I let it pass. I let it leave.


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Afterglow.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, July 20, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
We both were used to the clamour of the night clubs. Stuck in a camp amidst hills where even silence refused to reach us, we were forced to make strained conversations. Back in the city, we never found it difficult to speak our guts out, but here, with the endless sky and the shining stars in the night, we were under pressure to make meaningful conversations. Talk about the change of scene and all that!

Despite the change of scene, we still had to follow the custom where I initiated the conversation, and him taking the lead. Small talk wasn't really our forte, but I began with one.

"Don't you think it would have been nicer if the colour of our sleeping bags matched that of our tent?"
"Seriously, is that what's running in your head?"
"I mean it would have at least made for a good Instagram picture. Don't you think so?"
"Of course not! Anyway, should we set up the campfire?"
"What? No!"
"But it's getting colder."
"But we won't see the stars if we have the fire."
"Alright, what do you want to do then?"
"We could talk."
"Yeah, we could."
"What do you want to talk?"
"Anything you like."
"Anything? Great!"

Without continuing the conversation any further, I looked at him. He was struggling to put things in an order. He never liked any mess just the way he didn't know how to make one. His nose flared a bit in the air as he tried to keep the tent unkempt and his cheeks turned red when he realized I was staring at him.

And then, I started again.

"Did you ever love someone so much that it pained each time you looked at them smile?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Just curious."
"Did you?"
"Yeah, maybe."
"Why?"
"I never really gave it much of a thought, but I guess the ones who aren't born out of love crave love a tad bit more than the others."
"Or it's just that you're crazy."
"That too!"
"No, it's just that."

We ended our conversation with just that. I curled into his arms and fell asleep looking at the stars as he ran his fingers through my hair. Sometimes, silence says a lot more than words. If only we hear them.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Waking Up in Goa.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Monday, July 17, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

I always thought I was a little cuckoo about new places and new people as I like to look at them with rose tinted glasses, hoping there is something new left for me to discover, something that no one else has seen with their own eyes. So, even when I am surrounded by a lot of people, I am mostly alone, because my mind is overblowing the beauty of new places.

When I told my friends I was going to Goa in June, everyone warned me that I might not be able to do much because it's an off-season. Or that a person like me who abhors crowds and noise can do pretty much nothing at Goa. Well, I came back from Goa with mixed feelings. Feelings that included how I loved being a stranger there and how I disliked the shacks and the pandemonium they came along with. Much to my disappointment, there were no water activities, and I could not witness a single sunset. Neither could I visit the bookstores that were on my list nor could I go to a certain restaurant because of the off-season. And yet, I had a wonderful time. To read the full post, go here: https://medium.com/@sunainapatnaik/waking-up-in-goa-c5e49aeffd55

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

How Long Will You?

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, July 12, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
Photo by Léonard Cotte on Unsplash
How long will you deny yourself the smallest of pleasures? How long will you let demons play with your mind? How long will you pick everything above your heart's desires? How long will you wait to take a leap of faith? How long will you lie to yourself? How long will you allow your brain dictate rules? How long will you not listen to your heart? How long will you let your insecurities take over you? How long will you make someone wait for you? How long will you walk on the sideways not living your dreams? How long will you hold on to self-made fallacies? How long will you wait before you own your story? Will you ever? How long will you stop yourself from falling in love? How long will you not let someone love you for who you are?


Look at your reflection in the mirror and ask yourself. Maybe even tell me, how long will you?

SOMEONE.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, July 12, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
Photo by Aline JOLIT on Unsplash
At this moment, right now, right somewhere, around the world, in your surroundings, or way out of your sight,
someone is furiously clearing their chat history,
someone is taking their dog out for a walk,
someone is in their kitchen, brewing coffee for their family,
someone is falling in love,
someone is healing their broken heart,
someone is listening to music and identifying their life with lyrics,
someone is at work doing a job they hate,
someone is at work getting better at what they love,
someone is looking into the sunset with their loved one,
someone is waiting for the nightfall,
someone is hoping the breaking dawn brings a new hope,
someone must be making someone dance to their tunes,
and someone must be reading in the comfort of their home,
someone is on Netflix, watching House of Cards,
someone is carefully deciding the menu for dinner,
someone is waiting for a special one in a restaurant,
while someone is getting their heart broken in a parking lot,
someone is holding their tears,
and someone isn't,
someone is trying to seek help, connect with human beings again and not feel alone,
while someone is caving into their den,
someone is ticking things off their bucket list,
someone is saving up for their dream,
and someone is going home with treats for their children,
someone is trying to pick their paint brush after an accident,
someone is getting drunk in a downtown pub,
while someone is standing outside an uptown boutique, imagining themselves in the clothes on display,
someone is waiting for their flight to arrive to go home,
while someone finds home everywhere they go,
someone..in fact, everyone is probably dreaming, trying, healing, breaking free,
and more importantly living,
yeah..definitely living.


Tune for the day: http://bit.ly/2t3bAlb

Saturday, July 08, 2017

Heal.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Saturday, July 08, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

We heal in silence,
We heal in clamour,
We heal in mirth,
We heal in company,
We heal in solitude,
We heal with music,
We heal with art,
We heal in believing that we are
healing,
But if we don't try,
we don't heal at all.


Wednesday, July 05, 2017

Silence

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, July 05, 2017 0 comments Links to this post
If I knew that silence was this marvellous,
I would have asked for it
on starless nights and merciless mornings,
I would have asked for it each time words created a din
in my mind,
eluding even the purest of my thoughts and emotions,
If I knew that silence was this rhapsodic
I would have allowed it to engulf me in its symphony,
something that we wouldn’t have possibly created without
spitting vitriol,
but what if this silence deprives me of words
and the flair of creating them,
would I still embrace silence then?
or would I end up giving you all my leftover words?


Thursday, June 29, 2017

The Taste of Love.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, June 29, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

I wondered what love was,
and how it existed in several forms,
I wondered more about it
on nights that I went to bed in tears,
pining for the one I love,
with tears streaming down my face,
dousing my pillow and leaving behind
the marks of my mascara on it
that reminded me every morning of
the previous night’s plight,
What was love?
It was an existential crisis that I wanted to
hold on to,
and I never knew why,
maybe it was because I was curious,
or maybe because it broke me
in ways I couldn’t imagine,
in fact, love never came easily to me,
I had to crawl, fight, and maybe even
ask for it, desperately if I may add so,
but this whole point of love, and the not
having it introduced me to my alter ego,
the vulnerable one, who often needed someone
to tuck a strand of her curl behind her ear,
or someone who could put her to sleep when she couldn’t,
she was needy and easily hurt, unlike the other side of me,
but I loved that side too,
and tended to it with a warmth that a child would need,
and somewhere deep down, I wanted love to do the same,
but when I didn’t receive it, I threw tantrums like a brat,
cried like there was nothing left,
and built stories like ruins and catastrophes in my head,
you see this thing called love was playing silly games in my mind,
it was tricking me into believing everything that didn’t exist,
for I was letting it,
for I wanted it to engulf me,
in its madness,
slowly in the beginning,
and entirely by the end,
I wanted it to consume me
for reasons I couldn’t fathom,
so each time I met love in the corridors of my heart,
I put my mind to rest and
raced along with the frivolities of heart,
but I never really understood what love was,
sure I recognized it,
I knew its touch and exactly knew what its fragrance did to me,
I identified its presence even when I was surrounded by hundreds of individuals who themselves were trying to figure out what love was,
but the real meaning of love, the true essence of it,
of how it held the power of draining out the best parts of me and leave me insipid,
and how it tasted, I found it wholly and solitarily in a
heartbreak.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Scar.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Tuesday, June 20, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

I wanted you to leave behind a bit of yourself when you left,
so I wanted you to break my heart,
break it so bad that you'd leave an irrevocable scar on me,
and I know, there would be no going back from there,
maybe I would end up hating you,
maybe I wouldn't,
but I was willing to take that risk,
for that scar,
for that heartbreak,
for the memories,
that I could fondly recall on the
nights you'd be unavailable,
or on the evenings when you'd be too far
to see the setting sun with me,
I didn't know if what kept me awake kept you awake too,
if the sheer inability of caressing your hair made you go crazy too,
I wondered, and wondered, and kept wondering,
but there was nothing I could do
about this whole arrangement,
so why don't you just go ahead and break my heart?
and leave a bit of yourself with me,
for my heart was made to be broken by
someone like you.


Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Space Between Us.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, June 14, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

If the space between us is measured in terms of a room,
the walls of it are either too distant or too close,
while one side is shudderingly blank,
the other side is chaotic, messy, but an art of its own,
this space between us,
where we can go for days without squandering our words,
taking solace in silence,
is one thing,
there is also another way,
where the space between us is
claustrophobic for some,
too far or too near,
and never any in-betweens,
ever wondered why we could fall back into that pattern so easily?
I have,
and it doesn't trouble me,
because this space between us,
is where I thrive and use it as a canvas
to paint my heart out,
so if I could measure this weird but fond space between us in terms of a room,
will the walls of it clasp tightly like our fingers?
or will they be consumed in their own miseries?



Friday, June 09, 2017

Loving Yourself.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Friday, June 09, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

You wake up in the morning. You stand in front of the mirror looking at your reflection. Your smooth skin reminds you of the scars you've left on someone else's and the creases on your forehead nudge you about the things you shouldn't have done. How do you love yourself when all you see are your flaws?

I've always assumed that loving someone irrevocably and beyond any reason and logic is hard, but it isn't. Loving yourself is hard. Loving yourself enough to pick your own broken pieces and stitch them together is hard. Loving yourself is hard when you don't know where to begin with and which part of you needs more love than the others. Maybe you'll not be this damned if you knew, but who are you kidding, you were never the one to know. Loving yourself is hard especially when others find you perfect but all you discover are more and more of your mistakes which slowly engulf you, define you, and then drown you. Loving yourself is probably hard when your mouth reminds you of the ugly words you've uttered or the ones that you can never take back. Loving yourself is dauntingly hard, I know. But you have to wake up each morning and choose yourself above everyone and everything. Because it's like fighting a battle with a cause. It's hard but it's for your own good. Loving yourself is a lot like a girl whose smile refuses to reach her eyes and yet she tries. It's a lot like loving a certain boy in your own little screwed up manner. He makes you feel like an imbecile but in his presence, all the pieces of your jigsaw puzzle come to life. Loving yourself is so much like a longing that you yearn for years but never truly fulfill. But you should. Your thoughts, your flaws, the ugly and the beautiful parts of your mind and your body, your broken heart, your incomplete stories - you'll grow to love each and every inch of you. It'll be hard but it'll be worth it.

But as on today, you should start loving yourself. A little more than ever.


 

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