Thursday, June 29, 2017

The Taste of Love.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, June 29, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

I wondered what love was,
and how it existed in several forms,
I wondered more about it
on nights that I went to bed in tears,
pining for the one I love,
with tears streaming down my face,
dousing my pillow and leaving behind
the marks of my mascara on it
that reminded me every morning of
the previous night’s plight,
What was love?
It was an existential crisis that I wanted to
hold on to,
and I never knew why,
maybe it was because I was curious,
or maybe because it broke me
in ways I couldn’t imagine,
in fact, love never came easily to me,
I had to crawl, fight, and maybe even
ask for it, desperately if I may add so,
but this whole point of love, and the not
having it introduced me to my alter ego,
the vulnerable one, who often needed someone
to tuck a strand of her curl behind her ear,
or someone who could put her to sleep when she couldn’t,
she was needy and easily hurt, unlike the other side of me,
but I loved that side too,
and tended to it with a warmth that a child would need,
and somewhere deep down, I wanted love to do the same,
but when I didn’t receive it, I threw tantrums like a brat,
cried like there was nothing left,
and built stories like ruins and catastrophes in my head,
you see this thing called love was playing silly games in my mind,
it was tricking me into believing everything that didn’t exist,
for I was letting it,
for I wanted it to engulf me,
in its madness,
slowly in the beginning,
and entirely by the end,
I wanted it to consume me
for reasons I couldn’t fathom,
so each time I met love in the corridors of my heart,
I put my mind to rest and
raced along with the frivolities of heart,
but I never really understood what love was,
sure I recognized it,
I knew its touch and exactly knew what its fragrance did to me,
I identified its presence even when I was surrounded by hundreds of individuals who themselves were trying to figure out what love was,
but the real meaning of love, the true essence of it,
of how it held the power of draining out the best parts of me and leave me insipid,
and how it tasted, I found it wholly and solitarily in a
heartbreak.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Scar.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Tuesday, June 20, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

I wanted you to leave behind a bit of yourself when you left,
so I wanted you to break my heart,
break it so bad that you'd leave an irrevocable scar on me,
and I know, there would be no going back from there,
maybe I would end up hating you,
maybe I wouldn't,
but I was willing to take that risk,
for that scar,
for that heartbreak,
for the memories,
that I could fondly recall on the
nights you'd be unavailable,
or on the evenings when you'd be too far
to see the setting sun with me,
I didn't know if what kept me awake kept you awake too,
if the sheer inability of caressing your hair made you go crazy too,
I wondered, and wondered, and kept wondering,
but there was nothing I could do
about this whole arrangement,
so why don't you just go ahead and break my heart?
and leave a bit of yourself with me,
for my heart was made to be broken by
someone like you.


Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Space Between Us.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Wednesday, June 14, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

If the space between us is measured in terms of a room,
the walls of it are either too distant or too close,
while one side is shudderingly blank,
the other side is chaotic, messy, but an art of its own,
this space between us,
where we can go for days without squandering our words,
taking solace in silence,
is one thing,
there is also another way,
where the space between us is
claustrophobic for some,
too far or too near,
and never any in-betweens,
ever wondered why we could fall back into that pattern so easily?
I have,
and it doesn't trouble me,
because this space between us,
is where I thrive and use it as a canvas
to paint my heart out,
so if I could measure this weird but fond space between us in terms of a room,
will the walls of it clasp tightly like our fingers?
or will they be consumed in their own miseries?



Friday, June 09, 2017

Loving Yourself.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Friday, June 09, 2017 0 comments Links to this post

You wake up in the morning. You stand in front of the mirror looking at your reflection. Your smooth skin reminds you of the scars you've left on someone else's and the creases on your forehead nudge you about the things you shouldn't have done. How do you love yourself when all you see are your flaws?

I've always assumed that loving someone irrevocably and beyond any reason and logic is hard, but it isn't. Loving yourself is hard. Loving yourself enough to pick your own broken pieces and stitch them together is hard. Loving yourself is hard when you don't know where to begin with and which part of you needs more love than the others. Maybe you'll not be this damned if you knew, but who are you kidding, you were never the one to know. Loving yourself is hard especially when others find you perfect but all you discover are more and more of your mistakes which slowly engulf you, define you, and then drown you. Loving yourself is probably hard when your mouth reminds you of the ugly words you've uttered or the ones that you can never take back. Loving yourself is dauntingly hard, I know. But you have to wake up each morning and choose yourself above everyone and everything. Because it's like fighting a battle with a cause. It's hard but it's for your own good. Loving yourself is a lot like a girl whose smile refuses to reach her eyes and yet she tries. It's a lot like loving a certain boy in your own little screwed up manner. He makes you feel like an imbecile but in his presence, all the pieces of your jigsaw puzzle come to life. Loving yourself is so much like a longing that you yearn for years but never truly fulfill. But you should. Your thoughts, your flaws, the ugly and the beautiful parts of your mind and your body, your broken heart, your incomplete stories - you'll grow to love each and every inch of you. It'll be hard but it'll be worth it.

But as on today, you should start loving yourself. A little more than ever.


Thursday, June 01, 2017

Dream.

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, June 01, 2017 2 comments Links to this post

Last night, I had a strange dream. You were there and so was I. We were both happily stuck in a strange place. It was dark but the room had a view, the lofty window at the center of the room was just a gateway to our imaginations and fantasies. You held me close to you - so close that I could hear your heartbeat over mine. My mind was delightfully oscillating between your heartbeat and the ticking of your wrist watch. This strange warmth that we were both engulfed in would do more harm than good. I could tell. But I was playing with fire and my heart as always.

From the window, we could see the stars. There was nothing spectacular about that night sky, but the regularity of it assuaged me into believing that everything was normal. And 'normal' is good.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" You break the silence.
"No, I don't want to."
"But you like to talk."
"Not now, though."
"Each time we're at a new place, you find something new to say. Something new to add."
"Yes, but I am getting a buzz out of this solitude, cold breeze, and the stars."
"Do you see the reflection of the Moon in the lake?"
"Yes, I do."
"Seems like the sky is frightfully close to us."
"So close yet so far."
"Of course."
"Of course."


 

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