Holding On.

We’re all holding on to something — something that’s not good for us, something that doesn’t belong to us. To an old memory, people, places, houses we’ve stopped calling homes, homes we’ve left behind, stories that we’re no longer a part of, cities we’ve once lived in, hearts that don’t want to shelter us, cafes that make us feel like a stranger, old loves, broken shards of wine glasses, strangers, and shirts that smell of a person you don’t talk to.

We’re all holding on to something that keeps us awake in the nights, something that reminds us that no matter what, life rises and falls and spirals out of our control. It’s funny how we think we’re holding on to something when all we’re doing is simply breathe.

Tune for the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvHz5Rti0cU

Not Those Average Friendships.

My mother just returned from a reunion with her high school friends. They have met after twenty long years. Though some of them are in contact, a major part of them have gotten in touch a few weeks ago only because of Facebook, and of course, the WhatsApp groups. The internet is a wonderful thing. Sometimes, I am surprised at the remarkable things it introduces to us.

When my mother got in touch with all her high schoolmates, I did not fathom that their whole class would come together for a reunion. Twenty years is a long time definitely and one cannot be convinced that the entire class would actually come together. Well, they did. All of them. All thirty of them. My mother did not stop talking about her friends after she came back. Just like in all high schools, there is the helpful one, the planner, the envious one, the bully, the class leader, the conversationalist, the high achiever, the low-key one, and you get the drift. Looks like the 1970s and 1980s weren't so different after all.

I've always imagined that after you reach a certain age, you stop having friends, mostly because you move on with the other phases or life or move to different cities. I'm afraid, countries! But the fact that two of my mother's friends flew in from the USA, practically shattered all the myths I've built around the reality of friendships. I mean, we are clearly talking about people that withstood twenty years of friendships without any issues whatsoever about geographical restrictions. It gave me a new hope that no matter how old we get, and how well we master the art of pretending that we are all grown up, there is always a child within us that yearns for childhood. It makes us yearn for the high school days because what's more eventful in anyone's life than high school?

This brings me to another thing, it is people who make things like this happen. Not the Internet. It is just a highly powerful medium that amazing people use to their advantage. It's spectacular, right? The kind of things that friendships make us do!

And oh, this time, I have a song for you: You're My Best Friend by Queen

It's a Roller Coaster Ride.

This world is a strange place. In this strangely beautiful world, people need people. But sometimes, people also cannot co-exist with people. Our mind functions in a mysterious manner when it comes to people. When we are looking to buy a mobile phone, we buy them without a second thought. The numbers on its price tag do not matter. I, for instance, have always been amazing at trusting things over people. It has become so seamless that I've slowly settled into that pattern - of never understanding people but investing my emotions and effort on things.

What do people think? What are their emotions? What is that specific person feeling right now? What's on your mind? What's not on your mind? With a 100 million thoughts lurking in your head every time you think about a few people, it just feels like a never ending trip on a roller coaster. The ones who are cautious to get on it are equally scared as the ones who are at a distant, observing the flows of the roller coaster.

With so many apprehensions in your mind, you might as well get on the roller coaster. Maybe you'll enjoy the trip if you get on it. People and their emotions too are just like this. Like a roller coaster that has its horrid turns and remarkable highs. But you'll never be the one to know if you are standing at a distance while staring and questioning the depth.

A Table For One!

It is a common misconception that I am a people person. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not.

But if I am gifted the opportunity of choosing my solitude over the company of people for at least 10 days a month, I would gladly accept it, and quite graciously at that.

Of course, I love people, I love listening to their stories and to their tales on hope and endless possibilities of attaining something totally unattainable. But I also like to sit in peace, and read fascinating stories of the same people in the form of words and metaphors.

I guess I really like to oscillate between the two worlds - the one brimming with people, and the other filled with silence.

I would not call myself a recluse, but, there are moments when I prefer to do things alone - You know, like shopping, traveling, and eating out.

While one can do most of the things alone, the problem occurs only when you are trying to eat out alone.

This happens with me most of the times, and it is quite funny. I walk into a certain restaurant and ask for a table for one, and I find the waiter giving me a really sympathetic look, and much to my horror, I am given a table right in the center of the room.

I don’t know, does the waiter think I am all by myself (Read desperately alone) and hence, I need to sit in the middle of bantering people and chaos?

I am not sure.

Because when I ask for a corner table, the waiter gives me a once-over and asks, “Are you sure, ma’m?” And for reasons I cannot fathom, I earn the wrath of either a bad table or really pesky, overly helpful service.

You have no clue how many times I control my urge to tell them that I am here, only to enjoy good food while I am reading, and to remind them, that nothing is wrong with me.

There are a lot of people who ask if my solitude benefits me, and I tell them that it does in many million ways.

For one thing, it increases my productivity. The fact that I am able to read or write without any human contact, or my mobile phone constantly giving me constant notifications about mundane things is an achievement in its own league, if I might say.

A person who appreciates his solitude would appreciate the company of people even more. His attachment with nature and self increases leaps and bounds.

Okay, that was deep yet stupid stuff.

But let me admit, the whole point of writing this post is, this - dear waiters, let me devour my pasta in peace. No, I do not need sangria to wipe my tears away, and I definitely do not need several helpings of cheese to lead myself to the Prince Charming.

I am pretty complacent with whatever I have, and doing right now.

However, if there is something that I would really love, it is this - a corner table in a coffee shop adorned with fairy lights, a copy of Italo Calvino’s Difficult Loves, the aroma of coffee and a cup of coffee in my hand, good music playing rather faintly in the background, and people sitting in a distance talking about love and literature, and laughing at humourous things that tickle them.

Because that would be the perfect end to a solitary day at my table for one.

A Piece of Cake

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.” 

― Jane Austen

I am not interested in making conversations. 

I make conversations with very few people. 

I am known to be an absolute jerk at work. No, seriously! 

I have been told that I am outright arrogant with fellow workers. In my defence, I'd say that, I do not like making friends at work. I do not like talking with colleagues after I am home. 

If someone from work regards me as their friend, I leave no stone unturned in making it clear to them that there is a lot of difference between being friendly and being friends. I am here to work, and not to make friends.

I might have not done this in my first job, but then, I hardly made 3 friends at my first job too. 

In my new job, a month after I joined, two sane people quit. I turned into an even grumpier person with no one to keep my mood swings in check.

THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION.

People are not that bad, you know? I could be grumpy and all that, but there are people who are actually fine with that. I should probably start behaving well, I reckon? 

Every time I am down, all I need to do is count the number of colleagues who ask me if I am doing well. To think of it, it baffles me that these are the very people who were snubbed by me for calling me their friend. Repeatedly. Every time they uttered the word 'friend.'

It is quite surprising how nice people are. No, not just our colleagues, family, or friends. Just everyone. People apologize to you for things they haven't done. Things will be okay, they say, even when they do not have the slightest clue about what the things are. You are great, good things happen to good people like you, they say, albeit goodness is a trait that I have far forgotten. People will love you, dote on you, get you chocolates when you ignore them. They call you, hover around you to make sure you eat. They'll join you when you unpack your shopping bags, and get you an ice-cream when they end up emptying a mug of coffee on your pants unintentionally. They will do everything, just to make their fellow human being grin like an imp.

This world is a beautiful place. All you need to do is, share your piece of cake with someone. 

18 Things I Learned in 2013!

“For last year's words belong to last year's language 

And next year's words await another voice.” 

― T.S. Eliot

A year ago, I was spending one laid back evening at Truffles Cafe. What a simple way of welcoming a New Year! I admit it-it was the best 31st. It was perfect. Things have so changed so massively in a year. 

I sit down to write this, with so many thoughts in my head, and too many new songs in my playlist. I brood over all the things that happened this year. It has been one disgusting year topped with awful things. But, I've written down things that I learned this year. 

1. It is extremely difficult to hang out with people who do not enjoy food. Even if they are your closest friends alive on this planet Earth, I cannot be with someone who cannot enjoy food.

2. Indian writers are not bad at all. They are quite insightful. 
Jhumpa Lahiri, thanks for being with me this year. Your books were what I really needed.

3. People change. Things change. For good or bad.

You cannot expect things to be the way you want. *Sigh* So unjust!

4. A heartbreak can make you very vulnerable. It tears you apart. You see a different person in yourself. You see things with a different perspective. You change. A heartbreak is not simply an experience, it is a journey. We all go through it. Gracefully!

5. I saw myself going from "I don't want to wake up this morning" to "Let my room remain dark for I am doomed" to "I shall ignore everyone" to "Let me get sloshed" phase. And since my friends are my friends for a mighty reason, they stood by my side in madness and sadness. (It sounds cheesy. Yes, whatever!) 

6. It is alright to be alone. It is alright to go to a cafe alone, have a cup of coffee, and read a book.

For once, it is okay to go shopping alone and carry your own bags. 

It is better to watch movies alone too. Once can concentrate better. (Feel free to roll your eyes.)

7. Why, just why are people SO into this multiplex culture? It is an epic experience to watch a movie in a non-AC theater, located outside the city, without a parking lot. That is what I did this September 27. Boy, was it fun or was it fun? 

Also, the best movies are the ones I haven't watched in a multiplex. 

8. Facebook sucks. It leads to all bad things. It leads to stupid delusions.

9. Cooking takes your head off so many things. Practically, it makes you feel better. I turned into an awesome cook this year, and I just cannot stop bragging about it. Hello, are you listening?

10. There is never too much butter! I mean, really. 

11. Nothing like trance. 

12. First impression is always the worst impression. I am glad I did not go by the old idiom for I would have never made the friends I made this year. I made wonderful friends this year who put up with my whims and caprices, tantrums, ennui, and basically, every brickbat I threw at them. I am sure this trend will continue the next year, and yes, forever. Practically.

Sweet life!

12. I've started seeking comfort in words. Books. Not people. 

You've got a problem with that?

13. You can never hate the people you loved and adored once. You still feel the same about them.

You might be angry, and annoyed with them. I call it a momentary lapse of reason. 

And of course, there are always the second chances. 

14. Lately, I have realized that I am good at ignoring people. Most of the people. I am better off doing that.

If someone is trying to pull you down, if you have even a shred of dignity left, kindly shut them off. You don't need them. You deserve something beautiful. 

15. It is okay to not to have a clue on what you want to do, or what your lifetime plan is. Or what the back-up plan is if plan-A flounders.

For Christ's sake, I am just 22. I am young. I am learning. Let me make mistakes when I can afford to make them. 

16. Working in a corporate office is good. But having 100 bucks in the pocket of your pants as a college student is far richer feeling than having Visa/Mastercards in your bag. 

The coffee you share with your friends in a local place is better than Starbucks. 

17. I am glad I have a sister. Not a brother. I have enough cousin brothers who make my life painfully sweet yet miserable.

I am happy to have a sister who annoys me all the time, serves me bedside maggi, and lends me her favourite t-shirt once in a while.

18. Make memories. Take pictures. Your stupid brain won't store all the memories. Your pictures are the testament to all that you were. You didn't just have those moments. You lived them. Loved them. Take pictures. Document your life. It is worth it. 

I end this post on a rather nostalgic note. 2013, you have been incorrigible. Yet eventful. I shall never forget 2013. 

Thanks to everyone who were with me in this mad year. Also, the ones who weren't with me. Huge thanks. (No. I am not being sarcastic. *Grins*)

I hope you all have a smashing 31st and a wonderful 2014. And me? I already see a dirty martini enticing me.

Love,

Sunaina.