Trench.

Right now, my mind is a malleable trench of emotions and thoughts,

easily swayed as the gust of wind,

but also as composed as a stubborn ox,

maybe it has a mind of its own,

how ridiculous,

if my mind has a mind of its own,

unconditionally untamed by me,

then what is it that I can do?

should I tap into the inner realms of my mind

to remind it of my integrity?

or must I surrender to it?

it feels stupid, of course,

to dictate terms just because I want to,

but then, how do I stop feeling things that I

shouldn’t if I don’t break the silly trench free?

It's a Roller Coaster Ride.

This world is a strange place. In this strangely beautiful world, people need people. But sometimes, people also cannot co-exist with people. Our mind functions in a mysterious manner when it comes to people. When we are looking to buy a mobile phone, we buy them without a second thought. The numbers on its price tag do not matter. I, for instance, have always been amazing at trusting things over people. It has become so seamless that I've slowly settled into that pattern - of never understanding people but investing my emotions and effort on things.

What do people think? What are their emotions? What is that specific person feeling right now? What's on your mind? What's not on your mind? With a 100 million thoughts lurking in your head every time you think about a few people, it just feels like a never ending trip on a roller coaster. The ones who are cautious to get on it are equally scared as the ones who are at a distant, observing the flows of the roller coaster.

With so many apprehensions in your mind, you might as well get on the roller coaster. Maybe you'll enjoy the trip if you get on it. People and their emotions too are just like this. Like a roller coaster that has its horrid turns and remarkable highs. But you'll never be the one to know if you are standing at a distance while staring and questioning the depth.

Understanding The Real ME!

“The real question is, can you love the real me? Not the perfect person you want me to be, not that image you had of me, but who I really am.” 

― Christine Feehan

Over the past few days, I have been trying to come to terms with the real me—the trouble-seeking woman with a flair at weaving stories (Maybe?!), and an antisocial creature who has an entirely different online persona. People assume I am just the way the online persona but the real me is probably a little more subtle but I am also known to bite heads off even at the slightest provocation!

During one of the classes with my professor, I was told, or rather reprimanded for being too nice. Since when did being nice become a problem?

“You are a writer, you are meant to write, you have no time for emotions or moping around,” he said to me. 

Actually, fair enough!

Ever since that incident, I have been trying to come to terms with that as well. Do I have a dual personality? Or should I just hold on to the emotionless reclusive personality, like in school? But the real question here is, can my loved ones actually handle the real me? You know the recluse who doesn't want to make any human conversations and can go on for longer periods of time without craving any company!

With just a few exceptions!

While I am coming to terms with the real me, I have also realized that I really do not have time for emotions. I already feel worse admitting to it, so yes, you get the drift. As much as I try to act like a cold, ice-queen (which I am sometimes), I falter to be so. 

The real me wants to create something beautiful—something that could be remembered for ages; the real me does not want to write books under the pretext of calling them literature. Pretentious pieces of literature we find these days, I tell you! The real me wants to write something so remarkable that it has to be nominated for Man Booker Prize, sure it does not have to win it. (My dreams are too far-fetching, eh? While I am at it, I might as well aim for the stars. Feel free to roll your eyes at my expense.)

The real me just wants to engulf herself with words and solitude and timely cups of coffee. 

Now, the question is—would the real me actually find time for emotions? Or would the real me just break herself from her reverie of grand thoughts and step into the world far apart from literature and face utter disappointment with the reality?

P.S. The real me does not believe in serendipity. 

What We Talk About When We Talk About Love: Book Review

“All this, all of this love we're talking about, it would just be a memory. Maybe not even a memory. Am I wrong? Am I way off base? Because I want you to set me straight if you think I'm wrong. I want to know. I mean, I don't know anything, and I'm the first one to admit it.” 

― Raymond Carver

I am really fed up. Fed up of these moronic hundred something fiction books, and the self-proclaimed Mythology books that butcher Mythology in many million ways. 

You might call me a mean person, but I had a tough time rummaging through book stores for decent Literature. (Of course, you always have the Classics and the Austen, but I was craving for a new writer.)

Like a spot of sunshine in dramatic moments, my brother sent me Raymond Carver's What We Talk About When We Talk About Love for my birthday. 

I have always wanted to read Raymond Carver but never got around to reading his books. Now that I have read two of his books, I absolutely love his work. 

What We Talk About When We Talk About Love is a collection of short stories. There is something utterly mysterious about these stories - stories that are poignant yet surreal. This collection is all about people without any education, logic or imagination whose lives revolve around depression, hatred, tender emotions, alcoholism, and love. 

And love is love, isn't it? Educated or not, imaginative or all, we all are intoxicated by that emotion that makes or breaks our world. 

The stories that were stuck in my head after reading are:

1. Everything Stuck to Him: Our parents always have a version of stories of our childhood. In this story, a father tells her young daughter how life was for everyone when she was a child.

2. Popular Mechanics: I could not stop imagining this story in my head. Bits and pieces, shreds and patches, this story left a huge impact on me for a day or two.

A couple has a conflict; the man packs his suitcase to leave; the woman swears and yells at him; and their baby is crying. They both want the baby and enter into a tug-of-war but the story ends with an ambiguity. The couple end up staying together.

It is a beautiful story and as you read it, you can vividly picture every scene in your mind.

But it is the final story that takes the hot cake. What We Talk About When We Talk About Love is the final story that talks about four friends who sit with around a bucket of ice with a bottle of gin inside it. They talk about love, and who doesn't want to know what we talk about when we talk about love?

This story (and the book) ends with these lovely lines that struck a chord with me:

"I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone's heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark."

It is strange how some books become an integral part of your life, the characters that haunt you, the stories that make you curious about the writer. This book will always remain as one of the best books I have read because I met this book as a dear friend when I was looking for a relief.

You can buy the book here:

• ISBN-10: 0679723056
• ISBN-13: 978-0679723059
• Paperback: 176 pages
• Publisher: Vintage; Vintage Books ed edition (18 June 1989)
• Buy it here: http://www.amazon.in/What-Talk-About-When-Love/dp/0679723056

Why You Should Be Like Harvey Specter!

"That's the difference between you and me, you wanna lose small, I wanna win big."

-Harvey Specter

First things first, if you do not know who Harvey Specter is, he is one of the lead characters from Suits and it is played by Gabriel Macht.

When I started watching Suits, the first few episodes actually made me wonder if this is how Harvey would remain throughout the series. And as much as I would like to claim that Mike Ross and his infectious grin is the sunshine of the series, I cannot. Because Harvey, in spite of being obnoxious and flawed in many million ways, you look at him and find yourself muttering, "Way to be." 

While most of you must be wondering why I am stressing on being a tad bit like a fictional character, especially when my last post was on how you should not fall for fiction, I would like to say that maybe, just maybe, it is alright to learn some good things from Fiction once in a while, and hey, it is not that ridiculous too.

1. This man does not panic. Even in the most horrible situations, he maintains his composure SO well that you cannot stop noting down a good point here and there. 

2. While you are busy, love your profession and all that, it is quite an endearing thing to have a hobby or two. Did you guys notice his collection of vinyls? Smashing, isn't it?

3. Take risks. Listen, no one here wants a boring life. Either take risks, and have a story worth telling your next generation. Or give up on everything, sit and weep.

4. Look good. Always. Have a style of your own.

I mean, look at that man. He dresses up with such panache. I get it, most of you must be wondering what is SO special about his black and white suits. Feel free to roll your eyes.

There are good suits, and bad suits. Go on, google.

5. Do not compromise. Do not settle down for anything that is less than what you deserve. If you think you deserve an XYZ thing, you probably deserve it. Go ahead and grab it.

6. You look at that person walking under your balcony? He has a problem. The girl from your workplace? Yes, she too has a problem. 

We all have problems. It is alright.

Instead of panicking about our problems, we can just take control of your life, and fix things. No problem is too big that you cannot handle. 

Awesome people handle their problems and they do so gracefully.

7. Love your work.

Find what you love and do it. Everything falls in its place.

8. "I am against having emotions. Not against using them."

You see what he did there? 

9. Work hard. There are no free lunches in life.

There is no God sent angel who will make your life easier.

10. Be a smart learner and oh yes, love yourself. That is the best thing to do.

And above all things, like Harvey Specter says, do not think like a rookie even if you are one.

Harvey Specter is dynamic, sophisticated, cocky, impeccable and insanely awesome. Alright, that is too many adjectives. And the best part is, he is very loyal to his friends.

P.S. If you don't watch Suits, it is high time, you do. Go figure why everyone loves Harvey Specter.

Do Men Cry?

“Do not apologize for crying. Without this emotion, we are only robots.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I am in a dilemma. Do men cry?

You know since when? Ever since ever. I cannot recollect.

But I remember watching Sherlock. (I can imagine my friends rolling their eyes, and mumble, "Oh no, not again.") 

You know the scene where Benedict Cumberbatch delivers a wedding speech in Watson's wedding? How quite endearing! Now, do not ask me why I thought if men cried when I watched that episode but maybe, a woman would have definitely cried in that moment. Seriously!

I digress.

As we all know, we live in a wonderful society. Our society does not approve men crying. We have heard, "Do not cry like a girl." I mean what, just what is a man supposed to do if he wants to cry? Our society has reserved weeping for women and anger for men. It is a very convenient choice that our folks made ages ago. Sweet life!

If a woman is sad or depressed, she cries. She cries her heart out and eats some ice-cream. I really want to know what a man does when he goes through emotional trauma. Does he hang out with the boys for a few drinks?  Does he listen to Taylor Swift? (In that case, he'd rather turn into a rock and be complacent.) Does he sleep for 48 hours straight? Does he secretly cry in the washroom? Or does he turn into a sadist? How does he get over the sad stuff, and all that? 

Emotions aren't gender biased. Okay? 

If a woman is crying, a man too should, right? So, why can't I see a man crying anywhere around me? (My friend, Anirudh, would just roll his eyes and claim that men are slaves to their emotions too and weep all the time. This boy could root for men and call them gold.)  

Some surveys (God knows who does these surveys. I have never been asked anything for a survey. Never. Ever.) prove that men tend to show their anger when they are sad or depressed. It seems like a plausible argument. But a lot of things can make a man cross. How would you be SO sure that he is angry because he is sad?

We all get hurt. We all have different ways of handling pain and trauma.

We all cry at some point in our lives. When it comes to women, the tear glands are forever active. It is quite astonishing how a 'sold out' sign-board on a pair of shoes you lusted for makes you cry for a week. And when it comes to men, even the biggest problem does not much make them wince. 

I am curious. I want to know what men do when they are sad and depressed. Do they cry? 

P.S. I will believe that a man can be emotional and vulnerable only when I see at least a considerable amount of men cry. Like women do.

And no, a baby boy weeping his guts out does not count. 

Hello Happiness: 10 Things You Learn From Your Break-Up!

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” 

― Chuck Palahniuk

Break-ups are always difficult. Most of us do not take it well, and some people go into a cocoon and build a wall around themselves, but at the end of the devastating phase, only one thing goes around in your head, "Good riddance."

And on that good note, I thought I should compile a list of ten things that your brutal break-up teaches you. 

10. It will teach you the difference between the good and the bad, and what is good for you. A break-up is an eye-opener, and you know, it is probably the most honest thing that has happened to you in the relationship.

9. It teaches you to love yourself. No, I don't mean that you did not love yourself before the break-up, but your perception about yourself changes SO much that you seem like a whole new person altogether. And you accept the change. 

8. You will learn to appreciate your solitude. 

If a person cannot appreciate your presence, walk away. You are doing yourself a favour. If you have even a shred of dignity left in yourself, just walk away.

It is okay if you have to be alone. Only loneliness will let you appreciate the presence of another person in your life.

7. Needless to say, you will find a lot of time to do your own things. This time, you won't have a hindrance.

You can wear whatever you want. You can go wherever you want.

Freedom! I mean, seriously, when people from all over the world are fighting for freedom, you get it without putting up any fight.

6. You will be exposed to several emotions at so many levels that if you are an artist, this is the best thing that can happen to you.

Remember what Kurt Cobain once said? Thank you for the tragedy, I need it for my art.

5. For a moment, pause everything you do. Look around, and count the people who have been with you in the darkest of your days.

This is what a break-up teaches you, it makes you appreciate the value of people who actually love you.

Ask yourself if you were blind all this time. When you have good friends, you will get through everything. Trust me.

4. One must stop expecting extra ordinary from the ordinary. 

It won't happen.

3. You can get everything you want. You can do anything.

All you need to do is, start.

2. The most wonderful people are the ones who go through humiliation, pain, and dejection. They have the tendency to make any situation humourous.

Wonderful people don't happen just like that. It is an everyday process to accept yourself.

1. You will fall in love again.

And this time, it will be better, and bigger. (If you know what I mean.)

It will be as glorious as Sanjay Leela Bhansali's cinema. And it will still be underrated.

Are Women Emotionally Strong?

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.” 

― Joseph Conrad

"Women are emotionally weak and they need men to do everything in their lives." Let us all pause for a moment and assess how true this statement is. Actually, it is not true at all. It is a fallacy. I have been listening to this statement a lot lately and I believe women need men as much as men need women. How long are we going to live in a state of denial saying men are stronger than women? Yes, definitely, men are considered to be the stronger sex and women are considered as the weaker and the fairer sex. However, I am referring to the emotional strength here.

We, women, cry out a lot. We do not do a great job in bottling up our fears and feelings. Men do not cry. It is a rarity. And they do a perfectly great job in covering up their feelings. In most of the cases, they do not discuss the problems, they tend to postpone them. But I am not blaming them here. They are wired that way and women are wired in an entirely different way. 

I would not agree that women are emotionally weak. Women are surely stronger than men when it comes to emotions. But there are few instances where we go wrong. For instance, we depend a lot. On men. Not just on our platonic partner, we depend on our father, guy friends, uncles etc. And when they deny us something, we think that is the end of the world. That doesn't mean we cannot handle our situations. We can. It is just that we depend too much and give a lot in relationships. Sometimes, we lose ourselves in those relationships and give in so much that it hurts like shit when we come out of them. It is like we leave a part of ourselves there and move out. 

Like Joseph Conrad said, it is an incredibly different task to be a woman. We multitask, we over think, we over analyze, and create situations that have never existed and might never exist. But our problems don't just end here. Like an icing on the cake, men complicate our lives. Now, do not get me wrong there. Men, in spite of being chivalrous, nice and all that, they are extremely ridiculous. And whoever said women are complicated and are tough to figure out surely did not understand the fact that we deal with men, and their massive male zeta ego. Oh please, let me just not get there. It is a taboo zone.

The other day my girl friend, Saubhagya called me up and spoke a great deal, and asked, "How did we land up in such a mess, Miss P(A strange way of regarding me as Miss Patnaik)?" Now, that is a million dollar question, the answer to which is umm..I don't know. Women are emotionally stronger. Let me tell you why! We crib, and demand for attention and emotional security but we reach a point where we realize that we don't want to be an emotional baggage on the person we love the most. Men are strange. They can be an emotional baggage and a messy one at that. But they do not want to put up with our emotions. What a shame! We do not shy away from problems. We discuss them openly and get over them eventually. It is a painfully slow process though. Even when men hurt women repeatedly, women pull themselves together and well, get with it. I mean, just because we cry a lot it doesn't mean we are weak. It is not a sign of vulnerability. It is just a sign of losing love and affection and I can vouch for that. 

In every case, women are emotionally stronger. Crying out loud isn't a sign of emotional weakness. Anyway, all we need is a pair of new shoes to make our lives better. And oh boy, men need a lot. They pretend to be groovy and all that. But they are world class sulk-ers. (A word like that doesn't exist.)