Solitude.

Oftentimes solitude fails at making conversations with us.

It lurks behind our backs hoping we'd notice it.

But as we move one from one phase of our life to the other, waltzing from moments of euphoria to awful times of melancholia, it wishes we spot its presence.

It sits along with us on a park bench, trying to lure us into its gifted world of beauty.

In the darkness, when we run and hide from the world, it tries to befriend us.

In the bright light, as we stroll in the sidewalks, with our hands in the pockets, it extends us its hand.

Too lost in the humdrum routines of the world, we never hold it back.  

But there comes a time when we meet solitude eye to eye, and there's no going back after that.

It showers us with meaningful conversations and beautiful introspections.

As we gather our thoughts and experiences, solitude makes us realize that the greatest company a man can ever have is his own mind.

And that, my friend, is when you truly understand you have earned a true friend in yourself.

A Table For One!

It is a common misconception that I am a people person. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not.

But if I am gifted the opportunity of choosing my solitude over the company of people for at least 10 days a month, I would gladly accept it, and quite graciously at that.

Of course, I love people, I love listening to their stories and to their tales on hope and endless possibilities of attaining something totally unattainable. But I also like to sit in peace, and read fascinating stories of the same people in the form of words and metaphors.

I guess I really like to oscillate between the two worlds - the one brimming with people, and the other filled with silence.

I would not call myself a recluse, but, there are moments when I prefer to do things alone - You know, like shopping, traveling, and eating out.

While one can do most of the things alone, the problem occurs only when you are trying to eat out alone.

This happens with me most of the times, and it is quite funny. I walk into a certain restaurant and ask for a table for one, and I find the waiter giving me a really sympathetic look, and much to my horror, I am given a table right in the center of the room.

I don’t know, does the waiter think I am all by myself (Read desperately alone) and hence, I need to sit in the middle of bantering people and chaos?

I am not sure.

Because when I ask for a corner table, the waiter gives me a once-over and asks, “Are you sure, ma’m?” And for reasons I cannot fathom, I earn the wrath of either a bad table or really pesky, overly helpful service.

You have no clue how many times I control my urge to tell them that I am here, only to enjoy good food while I am reading, and to remind them, that nothing is wrong with me.

There are a lot of people who ask if my solitude benefits me, and I tell them that it does in many million ways.

For one thing, it increases my productivity. The fact that I am able to read or write without any human contact, or my mobile phone constantly giving me constant notifications about mundane things is an achievement in its own league, if I might say.

A person who appreciates his solitude would appreciate the company of people even more. His attachment with nature and self increases leaps and bounds.

Okay, that was deep yet stupid stuff.

But let me admit, the whole point of writing this post is, this - dear waiters, let me devour my pasta in peace. No, I do not need sangria to wipe my tears away, and I definitely do not need several helpings of cheese to lead myself to the Prince Charming.

I am pretty complacent with whatever I have, and doing right now.

However, if there is something that I would really love, it is this - a corner table in a coffee shop adorned with fairy lights, a copy of Italo Calvino’s Difficult Loves, the aroma of coffee and a cup of coffee in my hand, good music playing rather faintly in the background, and people sitting in a distance talking about love and literature, and laughing at humourous things that tickle them.

Because that would be the perfect end to a solitary day at my table for one.

Understanding The Real ME!

“The real question is, can you love the real me? Not the perfect person you want me to be, not that image you had of me, but who I really am.” 

― Christine Feehan

Over the past few days, I have been trying to come to terms with the real me—the trouble-seeking woman with a flair at weaving stories (Maybe?!), and an antisocial creature who has an entirely different online persona. People assume I am just the way the online persona but the real me is probably a little more subtle but I am also known to bite heads off even at the slightest provocation!

During one of the classes with my professor, I was told, or rather reprimanded for being too nice. Since when did being nice become a problem?

“You are a writer, you are meant to write, you have no time for emotions or moping around,” he said to me. 

Actually, fair enough!

Ever since that incident, I have been trying to come to terms with that as well. Do I have a dual personality? Or should I just hold on to the emotionless reclusive personality, like in school? But the real question here is, can my loved ones actually handle the real me? You know the recluse who doesn't want to make any human conversations and can go on for longer periods of time without craving any company!

With just a few exceptions!

While I am coming to terms with the real me, I have also realized that I really do not have time for emotions. I already feel worse admitting to it, so yes, you get the drift. As much as I try to act like a cold, ice-queen (which I am sometimes), I falter to be so. 

The real me wants to create something beautiful—something that could be remembered for ages; the real me does not want to write books under the pretext of calling them literature. Pretentious pieces of literature we find these days, I tell you! The real me wants to write something so remarkable that it has to be nominated for Man Booker Prize, sure it does not have to win it. (My dreams are too far-fetching, eh? While I am at it, I might as well aim for the stars. Feel free to roll your eyes at my expense.)

The real me just wants to engulf herself with words and solitude and timely cups of coffee. 

Now, the question is—would the real me actually find time for emotions? Or would the real me just break herself from her reverie of grand thoughts and step into the world far apart from literature and face utter disappointment with the reality?

P.S. The real me does not believe in serendipity. 

In Due Course!

“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.” 

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh

They bonded over coffee and peanut butter smoothies, under the starlit nights, and over several texts and calls. They talked and laughed over copious amounts of coffee; he deciphered her silence like he knew the back of her hand. They both had interesting minds, and they spoke those minds to each other.

Even without any hint of pretence or trying to appear likable, they seemed to get along well. She took him to the places he has never been before; he told her the things she had never heard before. She always had a song playing in her hand for any situation; he had a logical statement for any situation.

Sometimes, she did not talk much; sometimes, he did not listen much. 

If he made an effort, it was misunderstood.

If she made an effort, it went unnoticed.
And if words were her forte, indifference was his.

The conversations were stimulating as ever, albeit, they dropped over time. 

"This won't work, you know?"

"Yes!"

They laughed over it, and pushed it aside like it never happened. Things changed, eventually. The bond faded, in due course.

Sooner or later, this was meant to happen, she said to herself.
It was all a fallacy, he said to himself.

The isolated coffee shop embraced her solitude, again.
Ironically, seclusion was just his wilderness.

When all was said and done, they moved on with their lives.

Things ended, even before they began.

I Am A Snob. Not!

“I'm not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters.” 

― Simon Le Bon

My mind always runs in circles. I am glad it does. It keeps me occupied on days when I have utterly nothing to do.

This Saturday night, while I was talking to one of my friends, my mind was still running in circles, like one of those natural obligations, you know?

"You are not a snob. But you come across as one. You never keep yourself open to new people," he said. 

I tried to defend myself and all that, trying to throw some instances to prove I am not really an Ice Queen; much to my chagrin, I went ahead and called myself an extremely friendly person too.

Oops, I know I am not. I am not a people's person. 

"You could be hated for what you are not," he said. I wanted to act cool by quoting Eminem but I refrained from doing so, because such epic comebacks are always a fail with him.

The next morning, I asked another friend if these things were any true. He confirmed my worst fears. I come across as a snob. "You have that look on your face which makes people think you are not approachable." 

Looks like cockroaches are more approachable.

Anyway, whatever happened to people who are just reserved and want to do their work, and live a life without making any new friends? 

Is that a new definition of snob?

****

I could be in some serious trouble, I reckon. I mean let us just talk about my track record at making new friends. I haven't made many friends after graduation. 

Why don't I pause the flow of writing and count for a moment. I have made 3...4..friends after graduation?

Oh!

Looks like I am not keeping my options open. My friend said, "You never know who you'll meet." Of course, considering the fact that I am at my workplace all day long, the probability of making friends is highly unlikely even if I act like Joey Tribbiani.

This is not fair ya!

My friends could have instead said, I was short, which is partially true. Or they could have called my wardrobe a mourning one considering the fact that I dress black almost every day.(Oh don't even ask, it is a new fashion statement I have been trying to create.)

I would have thrown tantrums and gotten over it, you know? 

This "You should keep your avenues open" thing will never work with me, man. I have always been that person who absolutely loved doing things alone. SOMETIMES. A movie night or a binge sitcom watching noon. I have always been that person who preferred staying indoors over clubbing; always chose isolated coffee shops over noisy, crowded places; I've always been that person who got bored of people and things easily-so I choose wisely. 

I wish I could keep my avenues open, stop dodging calls, and respond to text messages instantly rather than writing nonsensical blog-posts like this, or posting pictures of a pair of shoes on Instagram. I really wish I could go out for a girls night out instead of staying in to watch House or Suits. I wish I could respond to all my emails on time, or make an effort to get out there and meet new people (Another concept that is entirely alien to me. I shudder at the thought of meeting new people.) and accommodate a little more space for the new-comers who might wreck my life for all I know.

Even worse, I might wreck theirs!

I wish I could have a control over my mood swings that visit me more often than my best friends do. 

I wish I could. But I cannot. So, let me make the most out of my solitude with Franz Kafka and romantic comedies.

If someone really wants to have me in their life, they will surely understand I have a twisted mind (in all dimensions) and act accordingly. I am not a friendly person, but I can bend my rules sometimes, for the few exceptionally chosen ones.

I can sense the effort, you know? 

So, get yourself right here with a tub of hazelnut ice-cream, and we'll watch House and have stimulating conversations. I am just an accidental snob!

Hello Happiness: 10 Things You Learn From Your Break-Up!

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” 

― Chuck Palahniuk

Break-ups are always difficult. Most of us do not take it well, and some people go into a cocoon and build a wall around themselves, but at the end of the devastating phase, only one thing goes around in your head, "Good riddance."

And on that good note, I thought I should compile a list of ten things that your brutal break-up teaches you. 

10. It will teach you the difference between the good and the bad, and what is good for you. A break-up is an eye-opener, and you know, it is probably the most honest thing that has happened to you in the relationship.

9. It teaches you to love yourself. No, I don't mean that you did not love yourself before the break-up, but your perception about yourself changes SO much that you seem like a whole new person altogether. And you accept the change. 

8. You will learn to appreciate your solitude. 

If a person cannot appreciate your presence, walk away. You are doing yourself a favour. If you have even a shred of dignity left in yourself, just walk away.

It is okay if you have to be alone. Only loneliness will let you appreciate the presence of another person in your life.

7. Needless to say, you will find a lot of time to do your own things. This time, you won't have a hindrance.

You can wear whatever you want. You can go wherever you want.

Freedom! I mean, seriously, when people from all over the world are fighting for freedom, you get it without putting up any fight.

6. You will be exposed to several emotions at so many levels that if you are an artist, this is the best thing that can happen to you.

Remember what Kurt Cobain once said? Thank you for the tragedy, I need it for my art.

5. For a moment, pause everything you do. Look around, and count the people who have been with you in the darkest of your days.

This is what a break-up teaches you, it makes you appreciate the value of people who actually love you.

Ask yourself if you were blind all this time. When you have good friends, you will get through everything. Trust me.

4. One must stop expecting extra ordinary from the ordinary. 

It won't happen.

3. You can get everything you want. You can do anything.

All you need to do is, start.

2. The most wonderful people are the ones who go through humiliation, pain, and dejection. They have the tendency to make any situation humourous.

Wonderful people don't happen just like that. It is an everyday process to accept yourself.

1. You will fall in love again.

And this time, it will be better, and bigger. (If you know what I mean.)

It will be as glorious as Sanjay Leela Bhansali's cinema. And it will still be underrated.