The Curious Case of Sadness.

It was 6 AM. The sun rays were playfully dancing on the contours of her face. She cupped her face and turned her back towards the window. She did not want to get out of the bed. She did not want to face the world. She wanted to stay still in the comfort of her room. She felt the pain filling up at the pit of her stomach and anxiety creeping up her spine. She dolefully wiped the stray tear on her left cheek. She dragged herself across the room to sit in front of the mirror to notice the bags under her eyes, her otherwise big brown eyes.

"A long indulging bath would help," she murmured, "it helped yesterday. The day before. And for months." She took turns to run lukewarm water and cold water on her. She loved how the hot water soothed her after the cold water. That's how life is, she mused to herself. The warmth always saunters after the piercing cold leaves.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror flattening her hair. She took her sweet time to apply her favourite mousse to her hair and dressed in black pants and bright red top. The red lipstick did a great job at lightening up her face, and on the outside she looked like someone who was not broken. She twirled a little, hid her pain behind her kohl-lined eyes and walked out of her room.

Maybe she was feeling better. Maybe she was not. But she was not giving up.

***

If you are reading this and can relate with it, do know that there are people struggling to get better like you. If you are reading this and cannot relate with it, please understand that in this real world, there are people who make a gigantic amount of effort to walk out from their bed to the outside of their room. Each day. Every morning. Sadness, void, depression are real, as real as you and I. If you think happiness is real, the opposites of it are real too. And they fight with each other to claim larger spaces of you.

Depression(or sadness) is that cynical dude who seduces you into a dark place. Remember the cynical dudes we found hot during high school but deep inside, they are good for nothing. Yes, that! Happiness is that geeky dude you ignore in the beginning but take the time to understand how amazing he is. In a way, you need to fight your way to end up with that geeky dude, you need to make efforts to accommodate him in your life. But here's the deal. The cynical dude and geeky dude will walk along with you. As the cynical dude is sardonic and the geeky dude is shy by nature, you need to make the first move. Even when you choose the geek, the cynic will lurk around you, and many a times, he will lure you into his darkness. You'll have to be firm with him. You'll have to tell him that he doesn't get to make the choices in your life. He is free to make himself comfortable in your life, but all he gets to do is see you waltz with the geeky dude. Unfortunately, you need to meet the cynic to value the geek.

In the end, it all falls into place, though.

P.S. You don’t have to build a fort for insecurities, sadness, depression, fear, anxiety. They can look after themselves. I know you cannot demolish the fort overnight, it takes time to ruin something too. However, wake up every morning and show up. Create something each day and happiness will build a fort for you. That’s the catch!

The Week of Epiphanies

I am glad I could call it the week of epiphanies.

I have accomplished quite a bit this week and met most of my deadlines. I am happy. I have read two amazing books (I promise to write about them in the next post) this week and I feel so liberated. I love books like these - books that me cry, books that keep me up in the night, books that break my heart, books that make me ponder. I think only good books and sunsets can have that effect on me.

This evening, as I sat down to write a post on the multiple epiphanies, I figured I would only pick two of them and announce it to the world. Why? Because why the hell not!

1. My idea about the love of my life has always been slightly distorted. I fell in love for the first time even when it was an age forbidden to be in love. It was not with some guy, though. It was with Literature. It was with the world of books. Of stories. Right from my childhood, I have cultivated a habit of reading before I sleep every night. Even if my options were limited to Tinkle. I put myself in the picture often by writing silly poems and stories that my mother pretended to enjoy for the sake of her child.

I will be honest, though. I took my writing for granted. I abandoned it, stopped having conversations with it. I stopped nurturing it. Even worse, accepting it. But it did not leave me. It was by my side on the days when I was self-absorbed. And on the days when I was drowning in darkness. It did not break my heart like a certain boy did. Nor did it stop reminding me about its purpose in my life. That's how cool it is!

It probably, and will always be the only love of my life. As long as it wants to be. I am delightful for discovering our mutual love.

2. Like I already said, I could be a little self-absorbed sometimes. On the days when I am, I think the world revolves around me. It is days like those that force me to assume I am the only person who goes through pain. For the longest time, I thought all the first world problems were happening in my courtyard only and that it was the most intriguing part about me. I was making a huge deal about the pain I go through.

Well, it looks like every second person goes through pain. There is nothing sensational about the kind I was facing or whining about, but what really is my forte is the ability to write (It doesn't matter even if it is cringe worthy) even while enduring the pain. And that, definitely, and has to be the most intriguing part about my personality. I am not letting something like pain, fear, anguish signify my personality. We all have intriguing personalities. Mine is this, yours could be something else. But even the most intriguing part about us vanishes if we succumb to the chaos in our life.

I would not let mine vanish. Not in this lifetime.

P.S. What is the matter with the radio channels in Hyderabad? Have they stopped playing music or what? I waited for thirty minutes for a decent song but all that was played were advertisements. Sigh!

Anyway, you all have a great weekend.

You Just Wait.

Wait for someone who tells strangers about you.

How often do we hear people quoting this? I’ve heard this so many times over the past few years that I’ve quite convinced myself that I must wait for someone who indeed would tell strangers about me. Call me mad, but I’ve been a strong advocate of it.

I might have found one. I might have found none. But over the years, I grew to accept that I would never find someone like that. In fact, just to coax my emotions, I’ve absolutely persuaded my mind to believe that such men barely exist.

Here comes a surprise though. 

I’ve been closely noticing this really good friend during meetings and hangouts, and see how often he talks about the love of his life unabashedly. Be it a stranger or a person who works for him, he does not shy away from talking about his girl, often attracting ‘awws’ and ‘aaas’ from people around him. It’s funny yet endearing to see a man, who is not a teenager, gush over a woman like that. We all love seeing him do that!

This friend, who luckily also happens to be my manager at office, has given me a reality check.

So, this is probably a ray of hope to most of single friends out there. There is always someone who will talk about you to strangers. I’m afraid, even to random people who are walking across the street.

If you do not find one like that, I suggest you adopt a cat or a dog.

I mean, what’s the point in being with someone who doesn’t make your world go round and round?

P.S. It’s been a good Monday.

On Turning 24!

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

― Mark Twain

It has been six days since I turned 24. Neither do I feel older nor have I turned wiser.

When I was a child, I assumed being 24 was all about having the freedom to eat chunks of chocolate cake at midnight. At 24, I totally know that it is not about eating cake.

I guess it has never really been about the cake.

On the verge of sounding almost cynical and lame, I tried figuring out what I really wanted to do in my life. Aren't birthdays just a reminder to take a solid resolution every year?

Let me tell you about my visit to a local bookstore with my mother. 

The man at the bookstore, who owns and runs the place greeted my mother with the books of her favourite writers. It was strange how he remembered the names of writers and their books at his fingertips. He spoke about Ernest Hemingway as if he saw him writing The Sun Also Rises; he talked about Stephen King as if he confided in him. He talked about Rilke and his ever famous letters like he had one of the letters. He spoke about stories and poems--stories that talked about death and poems that reminded him of his childhood. He spoke about it all with a spark in his eye while I stood there, listening to him in awe. I never imagined a person who might turn 60 in a year or two would see the world by simply sitting in the corner of a quaint bookstore. I never imagined someone would tell me so many beautiful things about the writers I loved.

On my way back home, I figured what I really wanted. 

I wanted someone to talk about my words as if they were written for them, I wanted someone to remember my sentences that flow irrationally in different directions with a glint in their eye. It does not matter even if it was just one person.

But I want that. And how do I do that?

Yes, now it all comes down to one thing - Do more. Write more.

This birthday resolution, honestly, is a part of me being selfish. I will talk more about the resolution soon.

***

This birthday has been quite eventful. I have celebrated it for three days. (I know. I allow you all to take a minute to roll your eyes.) I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and warmth I have received not just from my family and friends, but from strangers and my blog readers too. You all add beauty to my chaos.

I have received a lot of beautiful presents but one thing that has moved me immensely was a letter from my best friend. Thanks a lot for such a beautiful letter, Asisha! You have made my birthday special in many million ways.

That’s what friends do, don’t they? They make their presence and words felt even when we are engulfed with silence and isolation.

And then, there are the other friends who are equally lovely and push me towards taking control of my happiness, and urging me to be wise about choosing the right people and right things. And then, there are more friends who make me appreciate the beauty of the endless sky and sparkling stars.

Thanks a lot for making my birthday wonderful. This post might be a blend of a lot of incoherent thoughts running wild in my head. But my affection and thoughts for you are not incoherent.

As I end this post, let me tell you another thing. Turning 24 is not that bad. I imagined it would be worse when I turned 23.

Looks like it can only get better from here. Good night, everyone!

P.S. I look forward to a similar kind of love and pamper on other days too. Feel free to do so!

A Table For One!

It is a common misconception that I am a people person. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not.

But if I am gifted the opportunity of choosing my solitude over the company of people for at least 10 days a month, I would gladly accept it, and quite graciously at that.

Of course, I love people, I love listening to their stories and to their tales on hope and endless possibilities of attaining something totally unattainable. But I also like to sit in peace, and read fascinating stories of the same people in the form of words and metaphors.

I guess I really like to oscillate between the two worlds - the one brimming with people, and the other filled with silence.

I would not call myself a recluse, but, there are moments when I prefer to do things alone - You know, like shopping, traveling, and eating out.

While one can do most of the things alone, the problem occurs only when you are trying to eat out alone.

This happens with me most of the times, and it is quite funny. I walk into a certain restaurant and ask for a table for one, and I find the waiter giving me a really sympathetic look, and much to my horror, I am given a table right in the center of the room.

I don’t know, does the waiter think I am all by myself (Read desperately alone) and hence, I need to sit in the middle of bantering people and chaos?

I am not sure.

Because when I ask for a corner table, the waiter gives me a once-over and asks, “Are you sure, ma’m?” And for reasons I cannot fathom, I earn the wrath of either a bad table or really pesky, overly helpful service.

You have no clue how many times I control my urge to tell them that I am here, only to enjoy good food while I am reading, and to remind them, that nothing is wrong with me.

There are a lot of people who ask if my solitude benefits me, and I tell them that it does in many million ways.

For one thing, it increases my productivity. The fact that I am able to read or write without any human contact, or my mobile phone constantly giving me constant notifications about mundane things is an achievement in its own league, if I might say.

A person who appreciates his solitude would appreciate the company of people even more. His attachment with nature and self increases leaps and bounds.

Okay, that was deep yet stupid stuff.

But let me admit, the whole point of writing this post is, this - dear waiters, let me devour my pasta in peace. No, I do not need sangria to wipe my tears away, and I definitely do not need several helpings of cheese to lead myself to the Prince Charming.

I am pretty complacent with whatever I have, and doing right now.

However, if there is something that I would really love, it is this - a corner table in a coffee shop adorned with fairy lights, a copy of Italo Calvino’s Difficult Loves, the aroma of coffee and a cup of coffee in my hand, good music playing rather faintly in the background, and people sitting in a distance talking about love and literature, and laughing at humourous things that tickle them.

Because that would be the perfect end to a solitary day at my table for one.

One Day.

One day, you will forget all his words and half broken promises,

You will forget how he failed to stand by your side when you needed him.

Maybe one day, you will forget the tingles his touch gave you,

You will also forget the aroma his warmth came along with.

But you will not forget how you felt when he first held your arm,

And you will not forget the butterflies and jitters that moment gave you.

Because mark my words.

No matter where you go and what you do, a piece of that moment will always travel with your body and soul.

Memories In Time

“I don't feel very much like Pooh today," said Pooh.

"There there," said Piglet. "I'll bring you tea and honey until you do.” 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Perhaps only love can heal love.

Cannot figure out how? Let me explain.

When I was in twelfth, I had to shift to Vizag due to some unforeseen circumstances. A change in the college, a change in the city, and miles away from home - with too many changes and uncertainties, I was terribly homesick.

I missed my parents. I missed home. 

It was the first time I stayed away from my parents, and being with my grandparents was fun, but it did not help much. I had regular bouts of home, and Hyderabad.

People who know me well, also know how much I adore Vizag. I keep saying it - it is the place to be. But I grew out of it back then. Even before I realized it, I fell in love with the city again.

I have probably written a lot about my friends in places and spaces I cannot recollect any longer, however, I have never written about the four girls who made my stay in Vizag more than wonderful, and made me fall in love with it again. With one step at a time though.

Anjani, Anuja, Niharika, and Prasanthi - you girls have contributed a lot to my happiness and bitter sadness. 

As we step into the eighth year of our friendship, I felt a testimonial to all that we cherished together had to happen.

Probably I wouldn't have put on even a little (Read a lot) weight if Niha wasn't there to feed me cake every single day. I wouldn't have known the joy in sharing food if not for Anjani and Anuja, and perhaps, I would have never taken all the critical feedback in good humour had Anjani never thrown sarcastic remarks on my face.

Maybe my walks in the rain would not have been this memorable if Niha wasn't there. Maybe I would not have bunked practicals if not for Anjani, and maybe I would have never picked fights with any friend if not for Anuja.

Maybe I wouldn't have laughed so much even when I was going through the worse days if not for these girls; and maybe I wouldn't have savoured street food so much if not for Anjani. Shopping with these girls was awfully great, and sharing our deepest secrets in the darkest of the days let me talk about things I would have never imagined I'd talk.

I have also learned how to lie most conveniently. I mean, I always had a good story to tell our principal each time we bunked a practical or a weekend exam. You see how they helped me? I started writing stories to protect me and my friends from drastic situations. I will give it you straight - my lies were an epic fail. No one ever believed me.

Vizag is a beautiful place. In many million ways, it is so simple. I wouldn't know a perfect weekend had I not watched a movie at Jagadamba, and go for a stroll at the RK beach, and make my friend walk miles in pursuit of reaching Tenneti Park. 

I would trade my place with anything to be in Vizag doing a writing job, and staying closer to my grandparents and family. 

Any day. I mean it.

If not for these girls, I might have never realized the beauty of this city, and how closely it held me during the nights I missed home

It is a home away from home, and these girls are totally family away from family. 

Like an old warm quilt.

Goodbye Blue Monday!

“It's just been a long week, that's all."
"It's monday night, Jess."
"My point exactly.” 
― Scott Westerfeld, Touching Darkness

As you read this, I am sure most of you must be heading home from work; some of you might be still stuck at work; some of you could be striving hard to meet the gory deadlines, and some of you might be thriving in your dream job.

You might be listening to the radio jockey's banter, or listening to Coldplay on your iPod; you might be sending a long message to your girlfriend, or you might be just musing over the details of your day. It does not matter. Most of us had a not-so-good day.

To talk about my Monday, it has been nothing short of a disaster.

But that is alright. I call it the change in the season. 

However, I will give it you straight--my mind has been a barn of thoughts and negative ideas today. 

Too many internal conflicts.

I did not let that affect my work today. I did not let it deter me from meeting my deadlines either.

There were a lot of things that took rounds in my mind. I decided to write them down instead, and get it over with.

This is to all you people, who are trying to come out of your dreadful day. (You might relate with a few.)

1. The last book you have read will give you sleepless nights and unwanted ideas. It will make you a better person if you let it. 

I have read If On A Winter's Night A Traveller by Italo Calvino, and I found myself being the protagonist on quite a few instances.

It gave me sleepless nights.

2. The coffee from your favourite place might taste bitter today. It is okay, your favourite waiter is having just another terrifying Monday morning.

3. The man you love will break your heart. You will feel lost beyond imagination. It is okay. He is just a human being, who finds it rather difficult to deal with his mess too. 

There are moments when it pains to even look at the person you love. Do not let it turn you into a person you aren't. No one gets to the top without being broken and beaten on their way.

4. Only love can heal love. Stop being that sulky little brat, and spread some smiles. Even if you cannot.

You got to do what you got to do. 

5. Your pet does not wish to play with you today. Do not whine. Maybe it has been too long since you treated it with something special.

We all can do with some love, here and then.

6. It is not even the 15th and you are already broke. You wish some funds would magically appear in your bank account. 

The next time, you might as well plans your investments better.

7. The pair of jeans you ordered from Forever 21 looks utterly boring and so not your style. Maybe it is an indication that you should make time for yourself to buy a pair of jeans from Mango instead of shopping for clothes online.

And if it makes you happy, buy a plenty of it. Never compromise on your luxury and happiness.

You deserve it. You know it.

8. How often have you been longing to watch a movie? Scout your watchlist for that romantic comedy or comedy drama, and watch it today. 

Laugh your heart out, or weep your guts out. You deserve a little drama along with an ice cream on a Monday.

9. No matter how hard you try, some people will leave. You will leave.

They will just turn into a lost story in your torn journal. Someday.

Let the good old memories stay.

10. A year ago, I was so badly stuck in a corporate firm doing miserable things. Even in the wildest of my dreams, I did not imagine I would come out of it and take up an actual writing job.

As I open my mailbox or inbox every morning, I end up receiving a lot of good offers, and messages from the readers of my blog and people I work with. You have no clue how glad I am when I read them, especially when I wake up to them.

Maybe your life will be absolutely beautiful if you put in an effort and truth in your work. I am not certain how long I will be here, but I am sure I have earned the courage to create and do what I love.


I hope this would make your hopeless Monday a little better. If it does not, I insist you open a notebook, and write down your thoughts and reflections. 

You can also share them with me. I will be totally glad to hear you out.

2014 So Far!

“You raze the old to raise the new.” 

― Justina Chen, North of Beautiful

2014 has been quite unpredictable, and on many occasions, it was disappointing and excruciating too. No matter what I say, it has been a great learning experience, but I wish to go on a holiday from the grand learning experience.

I am not sure if I have anything much to say, but I just do not want to break the ritual of writing the end of the year post.

1) As you all know, I was a corporate slave, doing things I hated and absolutely did not care for. When my manager said I was not good enough, I am glad I paid attention to it. I moved on to a job I cared in the pursuit of creating something beautiful instead of trying to get myself into another corporate rut.

2) It does not come as a surprise to me when I say there are very few friends with whom you can pick where you left. I am glad I have them, and I would not go overboard to say I love them, but I am almost there.

These people have stood by my side all the time. Though they were royally absent in my happiness, they never gave up on me in my distress.

3) The best way to know if you can trust someone is by trusting them. If you are willing to put your trust in them, I am sure they are worth the effort. 

4) If not for reading and writing, I would not even be half the person I am.

The sorcery of words, beauty of letting you dive into a whole new world, introducing people of different ideologies and tastes are amazing.

Perhaps the beauty of emotions is always spoiled when I try to talk about them. But when I write them, they sound surreal. But real!

5) I've lost and let go off too many people this year. You can take my word for it-I have made peace with myself by forgiving them.

But it does not mean the broken things can be repaired. Not yet.

6) There is this one person who has the ability to bring out the best and the worst in me, bringing out the child in me, making me do things I probably never imagined, saying things I would not even dare to say in the wildest of my dreams.

This person is not the sunshine to my life. Oh no, definitely not! But it sure feels like sunshine when this person is around me.

And even when I claim not to throw tantrums with this person, I always do. I know it, but I argue otherwise.

7) There is really no antidote to pain and loss.

But red velvet cupcakes and tiramisu take care of the pain. Temporarily!

8) When you really like someone, it does not even matter what you are going through or willing to go through for them.

9) Solitude and silence are beautiful beyond imagination. Living all by myself on the days my parents are away, cooking for myself, cleaning my space, and reading, ah! Needless to say, the best things always come in tiny packages.

10) Over the last 6 months, I set a record of wearing just black. Mostly! My mother is wondering if I am wearing the same outfit every day, and my colleague keeps asking me if I'd ever get bored of it.

I think I should buy some colours the next year. My mourning outfits need to go on a break.

11) I have turned into a bigger caffeine addict. I am trying to cut down but I think I would fail. Miserably! 

12) I have made some real time investments this year. I am a little proud of myself.

13) I sold my first story. More details soon.

14) I have lost the interest in making conversations, and I am hoping it would turn into a lost art. 

15) While writing, you always need a good editor. An editor who can edit your work relentlessly, calling it a piece of trash, and sit for long hours with you, trying to beat sense in your slightly delusional mind, by correcting your grammar and replacing mundane words with graceful ones. You need this editor to read out Abbe Prevost or Proust to you. 

Phew! I had a tough time listing out these things, and most of them do not make any sense. But this year has just been tumultuous, you know?

As I close my eyes, I can now remember the good things--reuniting with lost friends, rekindling forgotten emotions, meeting your teacher and the first editor who inspired you to do something beautiful, late night conversations, sleepovers, writing my first Haiku poem, meeting fabulous people, discovering great musicians, painters and writers, looking at this person eating ice-cream like a child, embracing friendships that are beyond geographical restrictions, writing more than ever, turning into a braver person, earning the ability of expressing what I like and what I do not, not putting up with people who harm me, and pushing myself to work for the things that matter.

I have always loved myself above everything, and I will always. That is a promise!

To everyone who has been a part of my life and this post this year, thank you. For contributing bits and pieces of your life into mine! You add stars to my memories.

Here's to growing older, flying time, wasted nights, haunting dark circles, beautiful memories, smiles and laughter, broken promises, words and conversations, love and a lot like it. Happy 2015!

And now 2015, can you just grow my bangs already? I feel like a goof with this haircut.

Settling For Happiness!

“HAPPINESS [is] ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED” 

― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Be it euphoria or melancholia, I have always had a trouble expressing it. From a shy child to a reclusive teenager, I might have metamorphosed into a rather outgoing adult (MAYBE!), but I faltered in expressing things. Always.

Strangely, I was never troubled in putting my emotions in words. All I needed was a pen and a paper.

I believed it was the best I did.

In a nutshell, I would write everything in a journal, pretending the journal was my best friend, hoping my bright pink journal would be happy at my success, and gloomy during my shoddy times. Of course, it was not!

I might as well thank my stars for being blessed with a company of great friends. That did not pull me out of this misery either. My inability to explain even the most exquisite things was beyond my comprehension, however, my flair at expressing even the most mundane things with grandiosity surprised me. 

Much ado about nothing.

I reckon the stars had a different plan for me. 

I cannot handle extremities, and quite presumably, I tend to push people away during those situations. But people around me never left me alone--they urged me to talk about things that troubled or mattered, they hovered around me wondering if I would ever let them into my world. And I did.

It could be a simple text from your friend saying she is proud of what you do, or opening shopping bags with your best friend, sharing happiness has found its way into my life for all its intents and purposes. Amidst all the chaos of euphoria, mood swings, melancholia, I have also discovered one person who doesn't squeal in joy along with me; that person still taunts me in my joy. But it doesn't matter because happiness is pure when shared with that person.

I have never realized happiness would be this beautiful when shared with you, and I am coming to terms with it. Awkwardly yet happily!

A Reunion, Said My Stars!

“Reunion reveals friendship potential that haven't yet been emerged in the past.” 

― Toba Beta

I am not a firm believer of Astrology, or for that matter, Tarot cards and all that. But sometimes, when I am utterly bored, I read useless things which include astrology. OKAY, so major creepy stuff happened. Good stuff, but still creepy!

My astrology for the month predicted that my month would end on a low note with some surprises thrown in here and there. It also predicted that I would hear from a long lost person. I did, I did. It also predicted that I might, I just might reunite with some old friends. That happened too.

Call it a weird coincidence or give due credits to the stars, my astrology for the month hit bull's eye. This stuff actually works, duuuuuuude!

So, I met these friends after eight long months and much to my chagrin, things did not change at all. You know, I imagined we'd get awkward and all that, but we didn't. We picked where we left, we had conversations that were as stupid as they were once. We ate at the places we always have, we made merry the way we always have.

We laughed over all the loony things we did a year ago, and rubbed our differences aside. We also made plans and mused over how things have changed now. The last time we met, we were actually pretty jobless. Not literally! Look where we got now? We just got busier with the work we love now.

Astonishingly, it is pretty ludicrous when you can totally pick where you left with some friends. It is okay to fight. It is okay to get into cat fights. It is okay to have differences. And it is totally okay to go on for longer periods of time without making grand conversations. You get very few friends who can retain normalcy after being mute for an eternity.

All your indifferences will fit together.

P.S. If you have a friend who screwed up your sanity, pick up that phone and give a damned call. A friend who screws your sanity deserves to stay in your life. Do not give up on being that idiot's maid of honour five years (or just whenever) down the line. She counts on you, you fairy angel! 

(That fairy angel would be me.)

My Diwali!

Festivals offer you an excuse of stuffing yourself with sweets. 

When I was a child, my favourite festival for theoretical (Read 'Your favourite festival' essay) purposes was Holi, though I never really liked playing Holi. But in real world, Diwali has always been my favourite festival. With my grandparents coming all the way from Calcutta and grandmother's homemade food, Diwali was always a grand event at my place. I cannot think of a single child who would not like Diwali. Bursting crackers and meeting all the family members happens just once a year right? 

As I sit down to write this, with the fairy lights hanging up in my room and some soothing music, I recollect all the Diwalis I have spent--Diwalis spent with the cousins I no longer correspond with, Diwalis spent awaiting evenings to burst crackers, Diwalis spent eating ladoos made by my grandmother, Diwalis spent mourning over my grandmother and her special ladoos, the Diwalis spent studying and practicing math, and the Diwalis spent going through one of the terrible phases of my life.

This Diwali was a little different. I might not be happy at this point of time, but this Diwali was entirely different. For starters, I burst some crackers, which I generally do not. We could be eco-friendly but we do not have to stop having fun in the entirety. A little fun hurts no one as long we maintain some limitations. And of course, no sound pollution too. I have zero tolerance levels for high decibels of sound. So, yes, I burst crackers after nine whole years.

Not bad, eh? The things you do to keep your head off few things.

I went ahead and wished a few of my local vendors a happy Diwali. It didn't just make them happy, it made me happy too.

I helped my mother with cooking, which happens a few times, but never on festivals. We lit the diyas together and I turned my balcony into a light house. (Well, almost)

I watched movies with my family, and we all dined together.

Later in the evening, my sister and I went to fetch some food from a stall in our colony. There, I noticed a family with two children--a three year old boy, and a seven year old boy. While the older one was staying away from bursting crackers, the younger one was fearless enough to light up all the flower pots, and he cringed at the fact that his older brother was shying away from all the fun. He did his share, and much to my surprise, did his older brother's share too. 

It almost drifted me back to my childhood, where my cousin brother was always the shy one, and I would burst all his crackers. 

Today was a lot better than I imagined and I am utterly glad that it made me nostalgic and all that. And maybe, just maybe, growing older does not mean you need to stop having fun. You can, but I guess I still did not earn the license of bursting crackers without adult supervision.

Daddy, I am 23. :|