Growing Up.

A week before my birthday, I used to hand out individual letters to my parents. On 4-lined papers torn from my notebook, I used to write a list of things I wanted for the birthday. Yes, I was totally that kid who loved her birthday. Throughout the week, I used to carefully go through the details of the party, the invitations, and the cake. I fussed about everything. In fact, somewhere between fussing over my birthday to hoping I wouldn't grow up in a jiffy, I grew into a young girl with an ambition of creating something truly exquisite with her life. And now, as I metamorphose into a woman who has reached a certain age in life where her decisions and thoughts will certainly be questioned, I wonder about so many things. So much is running in my mind right now that I'll need tons of perspective to sort everything out.

I was talking to my friend the other day about a little trip I took, and he commented that he's proud of me because I rarely step out of my comfort zone. Well, I guess he's right because it troubles me a great deal when new plans ambush me, or when things happen out of my control. But then, they happen all the time. I'm learning to deal with them. I'm learning to make spaces for my mistakes, desires, flaws, and changing ideologies. However, I must admit, I'm still not there yet.

When you turn 26, you are expected to behave in a certain fashion. I mean, I'm just 4 years away from 30 (the very thought scares me), and I'm supposed to be more responsible, sensible, and maybe even put together. But here am I, grappling with insecurities and darkness. At the core, I confess I'm still selfish and play to please my ego. You'll never find me questioning my choices or decisions. Unfortunately, even the wrong ones. I'm beginning to think if they'll start defining me. You see this whole point of growing up is starting to take a toss on me. And so are these incoherent thoughts!

Some days, I find it truly hard to get out of my bed. On days like that, I truly wish my mother would come knocking at my door with a cup of coffee. I often find myself unsure about myriad things and people in my life. Despite everything, I wake up in the morning thankful for their presence. And then there are nights when absolutely everything seems bleak. Even the brightest possibilities. And yet I find someone I can call and cry to. Someone who just sits still on the other end of the call, listening to my sobs and never uttering a single word. I am certain about quite a few things in life and they are probably these. Now, I even know that growing up is a lot like getting into a battle with your mind. Growing up is a lot like choosing between your heart's desires and mind's sensibilities. It's a lot like picking your fights wisely. Growing up is no fun, especially when you have to make these choices every waking moment in your life and woefully live with them. Nonetheless, we all do, since we have no way around cutting this growing up thing.

So this year, as I realize that my mother won't be cooking me my favourite fried rice and aloor dum, I am hoping I can give myself a list of things I should be doing. I am hoping I could fuss about them. Because somewhere inside me is still that little child who made sure everything on her list emerged into a reality.

Tune for the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4WKh5UqtXc

On Turning 25: Work In Progress.

I turned 25 a little over a week ago. Which is the age for the new midlife crisis, by the way. Funnily enough, I am not very thrilled about it. I might have crossed yet another milestone with the most important people by my side, but the fact that I am turning older is catching up with me. I know 25 is not too old. A writer I know was telling me that turning 30 is far worse. But I am not anticipating the worst yet.

When I was 17, I badly wanted to turn 18. I wanted to belong to the adults club, be eligible to vote and to make my choices. But being my parents' kid, I now realize that making choices and doing things at my accord is still a luxury that I am never receiving. Even at 25.

I thought it was just me, who wanted to do everything, just everything before I turned a certain age. The obsession with remaining young and being able to do myriad things simultaneously isn't something that is mine alone. A lot of us believe that youth is the elixir of our lives. We talk about our college days with a spark in our eyes, nonetheless with a twinge of regret in our voice. "Oh, I wish I did a lot more than what I did when I was in college!" "Everything amazing in my life happened only when I was in my final semester." "I should have fallen in love when I was a teenager." "Life was so easier at 18." These are some of the most common things I hear my friends uttering. Like I already said, mid-life crisis is the new quarter-life crisis. My mother keeps saying that I was a six-year-old child when she was twenty-five and that she had bigger responsibilities in life - like managing a menace of a kid, and taking care of the entire household. (Thank God that our generation has exponentially transformed. We make our lives first before being a part of others lives.) I do not want to dwell on it much, actually, but the previous generations were neither obsessed with remaining young nor were they wary of responsibilities. They, in fact, wanted to grow old pretty fast. Being young, or let me put it this way, being recklessly young is a charming phase of our lives. It is probably one of the fewest phases of life where we are taken care of yet have the freedom to get away with most of our faults claiming that we are still young. Such are the conundrums of life!

The other impediment of growing older is that you begin to count your achievements. On a regular day, I am quite complacent with where I am, though I dream high and push myself a little more each day. But during my birthday, I freak out. I fill my head with inane thoughts. Always wondering if I am enough. If I am going to make it big someday. If I am ever going to see all the places I want to, be more and do more. I guess, after 25, your birthdays are pretty much a reality checker for you.

This birthday has been slightly different. It has not just given me a list of things to accomplish, it has done a lot more. It reminded me that I do not have to rush and fall flat in a hurry. I can walk firmly, enjoying the breeze and the bougainvillea trees around me. That I can stop and stare at the things that catch my gaze, and that I can surely spend my time reading more to grasp the splendour of words and Literature in a more pronounced manner. That I can keep moving forward as long as I am going somewhere. And more importantly, that I am a work in progress and there is a long way to go. Lots of miles to walk. Lots of stories to tell. Lots of lives to live.

Being 25 made me recognize that I'm just a work in progress!

Twenty-First Vs. Twenty-Fifth.

It was 2012. My twenty-first birthday was slowly approaching. I carefully picked a pink dress and a got a haircut I regretted for weeks. It was just around four years but it indeed feels like a distant time with everything different. I was a different person too.

It was a significant year of my life. I was graduating, I had a couple of college admissions in hand, I was yet to take up my first job and I was highly indecisive about what to do with my life. I was not willing to settle down for mediocrity but my twenty-first year was just about that -- settling for mediocrity - in terms of love, life, friendships, and more importantly, the career.

It is 2016. My twenty-fifth birthday is fast approaching. I carefully picked a lot of dresses this year and was wise enough not to get a haircut like every birthday. I'm such a different person now. From choosing mediocrity to fighting adamantly for what I truly believe in, I sure have evolved into a person that was alien to my twenty-one-year-old self.

At twenty-one, I was largely apprehensive about the new path of life, bigger responsibilities, and tougher challenges. I was worried that I was growing older and that the best years of my life were simply behind me. Now, what can I say about turning twenty-five? Four years older, wiser and with more feathers in my hat, should I be more worried that I am soon hitting the later years of the twenties and life is just never going to be the same again? But why do I feel like the best days of my life are right ahead of me? That they are beckoning me with sweet promises and bitter miseries. All of it would still be worth it, though. Won’t it?

When I was a child, I was told sternly that time does not stop for anyone. Sure, I believed it for a lot of years only to realize that the myth could be altered. Time would stop, walk, and run with you only if you value it as much as you value yourself. If only you grow along with it.

Now I know that being twenty-five isn't being old.  There is so much to see. So much to learn. So much to live. And not to forget, there is so much time.

At this point, however, I'd like to worry about the birthday dress that a certain someone picked for me. It doesn't zip up well, but I am completely in awe of it. Oh, the little curveballs life throws at us in the middle of happy realizations and moments!

On Turning 24!

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

― Mark Twain

It has been six days since I turned 24. Neither do I feel older nor have I turned wiser.

When I was a child, I assumed being 24 was all about having the freedom to eat chunks of chocolate cake at midnight. At 24, I totally know that it is not about eating cake.

I guess it has never really been about the cake.

On the verge of sounding almost cynical and lame, I tried figuring out what I really wanted to do in my life. Aren't birthdays just a reminder to take a solid resolution every year?

Let me tell you about my visit to a local bookstore with my mother. 

The man at the bookstore, who owns and runs the place greeted my mother with the books of her favourite writers. It was strange how he remembered the names of writers and their books at his fingertips. He spoke about Ernest Hemingway as if he saw him writing The Sun Also Rises; he talked about Stephen King as if he confided in him. He talked about Rilke and his ever famous letters like he had one of the letters. He spoke about stories and poems--stories that talked about death and poems that reminded him of his childhood. He spoke about it all with a spark in his eye while I stood there, listening to him in awe. I never imagined a person who might turn 60 in a year or two would see the world by simply sitting in the corner of a quaint bookstore. I never imagined someone would tell me so many beautiful things about the writers I loved.

On my way back home, I figured what I really wanted. 

I wanted someone to talk about my words as if they were written for them, I wanted someone to remember my sentences that flow irrationally in different directions with a glint in their eye. It does not matter even if it was just one person.

But I want that. And how do I do that?

Yes, now it all comes down to one thing - Do more. Write more.

This birthday resolution, honestly, is a part of me being selfish. I will talk more about the resolution soon.

***

This birthday has been quite eventful. I have celebrated it for three days. (I know. I allow you all to take a minute to roll your eyes.) I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and warmth I have received not just from my family and friends, but from strangers and my blog readers too. You all add beauty to my chaos.

I have received a lot of beautiful presents but one thing that has moved me immensely was a letter from my best friend. Thanks a lot for such a beautiful letter, Asisha! You have made my birthday special in many million ways.

That’s what friends do, don’t they? They make their presence and words felt even when we are engulfed with silence and isolation.

And then, there are the other friends who are equally lovely and push me towards taking control of my happiness, and urging me to be wise about choosing the right people and right things. And then, there are more friends who make me appreciate the beauty of the endless sky and sparkling stars.

Thanks a lot for making my birthday wonderful. This post might be a blend of a lot of incoherent thoughts running wild in my head. But my affection and thoughts for you are not incoherent.

As I end this post, let me tell you another thing. Turning 24 is not that bad. I imagined it would be worse when I turned 23.

Looks like it can only get better from here. Good night, everyone!

P.S. I look forward to a similar kind of love and pamper on other days too. Feel free to do so!

Almost Twenty Four.

It looks like I am turning 24 in 13 days. Wow!

I have always been a huge fan of birthdays. Mostly, because of the cake. But even otherwise, I am always the weird one waiting for my birthday.

I have been hunting for the perfect dress for two weeks now. Though I found one, I am yet to get another one. And I don’t know why, I am really counting on getting the best dress ever. I have been receiving really wonderful presents and thoughtful letters from friends all over the world. I have made plans already. I am pretty excited, but I am little worried too. I am turning 24. Age might just be a number, but the last time I checked I was still 17. It does sound like a big deal to me.

Over the past few days, I have been trying to figure out the things I have done, and the mistakes I have learned from. I do not want to tread on the path of philosophy, but I am where I intended to be.

Over the past 23 years, 11 months, and 16 days, I have transformed from an introvert to an almost extrovert. I have started talking about things that matter to me--my blog is the proof to it. No matter where I am, and how old I get, I have always dreamed of being close to Literature. I am glad I haven’t given up on that dream. I am writing and I will always write. Of course, it did require a great deal of push from a corporate job to realize what I really wanted.

I have fallen in love. I have gotten my heart brutally broken. While one part of it urged me not to give up, the other part has constantly reminded me that I am what I am because of it. And honestly, it helped me realize that I have to let go of the life I planned ever so delicately to embrace the one that’s waiting for me. I am all about adventure now!

I have made friends at the oddest of moments and the unlikeliest of places. While some keep me sane, some run wild with me. I had to go through a slightly harder path to understand that you got to fight hard to keep your friends closer, and your family together. My friends are incredibly amazing. Even if they abuse me for not taking their calls. Even if they embarrass me at places I love the most.

I have kept two journals every year for a long period of time now. At the end of the year, as per my traditional calls, I destroy them. Only after keeping a copy of the really good ones.

Often you meet friends in the form of books and seek comfort in words. I have found one book 13 years ago and I go back to it time and again. That book has been a part of my life in sickness and joy. And my choice in music, my choice in music is getting better with time.

Something doesn't seem right though. On the outer shell, everything appears to be perfect. Almost 24 and I haven’t traveled even decently. What a shame! Sure, I have started taking my investments seriously, but what is the point if I am not putting them into use? Honestly, and quite seriously, I got to tick a few places off my list.

What else is on my mind? Ugh, I will just put travelling on my list of things to do for now.

I got to go get a new dress now. My birthday is just around the corner.

And oh, I will tell you all how it feels on turning 24.

Win Some, Lose Some.

I have never been a huge fan of losing things.

In my world, winning is, quite obviously, the winner.

It looks like the equation has been changing lately. Not that I am really losing out on things. Or to be more precise, people. But I have been making a lot of revisions to my life, and editing the terrible things quite relentlessly - all to make my 24th birthday lovelier than ever.

Metamorphosis, I reckon.

I have always wondered, how do you really measure winning and losing when it comes to things that are not tangible. How do you measure all of it when it comes to people? The million dollar solution to that dilemma would pretty much sum to nothing.

Zilch. Nada.

Now, here is the thing. Over a period of time, I have developed a habit of holding on to something that has been bruising me. It hasn't just stolen my sleep, it has stolen my peace of mind too.

I mean, come to think of it, I have lost the count of the number of days where insomnia and distress engulfed me.

And for God knows what reason, I held on to it. Maybe I was trying to seek comfort in it. Maybe I was hoping it would turn out to be better in time.

Or maybe I was just scared of making that huge a change in my life. I was controlling my emotions, and probably was choosing the wrong notions in my head over my comfort.

Big. Fat. Mistake.

I've realized, happiness is the eternal solution to that damned dilemma. That is exactly what differentiates winning from losing.

For once, I have learned that controlling things doesn't always have to be my forte. And I let go.

Isn't it quite strange? When you really like something, you succumb to it in ways you wouldn't imagine, and no matter what people say, you put yourself out there. You take that leap of faith, and fall prey to idiotic things and quote lines like "The heart wants what it wants."  Yuck. I know. But maybe, that’s how you learn. You got to make your own mistakes to learn out of them. 

The best part is when you lose some, you win some.

Only to make way for better things in your life.

A Letter To My 30-Year-Old Self.

Hello senior,

Your worst fear has come true.

You have turned 30. Oh no, no, no!

But on the brighter side, you are still young because you will turn 40 in 10 years and that would freak you out so much that I cannot even fathom to put it in words.

You will find this letter on your blog, in your journal, in your archives, drafts, and everywhere–do not fret, I will make sure you find it even if you decide to abandon the internet. (Highly unlikely!)

OKAY, so I am sure you got yourself a gorgeous dress, and a pair of Louboutins for your birthday, and I am totally sure a bunch of friends are coming over tonight. Well, let us hope you cook great food for them and spend a night under the starlit sky with Eddie Vedder's music playing in the background. 

You must be utterly pleased with your life at this moment. I would not say you are experiencing euphoria, but you are almost there. You must have definitely learned the trade of living an eternally peaceful life by choosing the right people over the wrong ones. Age is just a number, but wisdom is eternal. (I am talking like a saint now. Sweet!)

I am glad that you have a library in your home and you tend to use it as your workplace quite often. Hang in there, I envy you already. I totally understand, you have been writing better things and meeting some sensational people. Do not let success get to your head. There will always be someone smarter and prettier than you. Stay grounded.

You have turned into an even grumpier person with mood swings worse than ever and you are considering to join a rehabilitation center. JUST DO NOT.

Get a tub of ice-cream like your younger self. Geez, you were so much fun at 23!

You still watch romantic comedies and gush over them like a quintessential teenager. I am glad you haven’t lost the spark of a child in yourself.

In pursuit of reaching all your milestones, I hope you haven’t stopped appreciating the beauty of love and life. Let the mad rush be! You have always been a firm believer of the fact that wonderful things come in tiny packages. Take a break and look around yourself--beauty lies right there.

So, what have you gotten yourself from Paris?

Wait, what? You haven’t been to Paris yet? What about that perfect plan that your younger self has sketched out eons ago? It failed?

Well, you do not deserve a birthday right now. Go into your room, sit in a corner, eat oreos or whatever, and just weep. Idiot!

***
You have dived deeper into your career but you still manage to take time out for your family and friends. Pat yourself, you are on the right track. No matter in which part of the world you are, you act like a responsible woman. Unconventional, headstrong, and kind.

You must be having a pet-an adorable golden retriever. What’s not to love? You go home to it everyday.

Did you get that walk in closet that you designed? Oh, you did? How wonderful! You wanted it so badly, remember? Wow! And now, you own a beautiful home too. No, not house. A home.

You have invested your finances the right away. Oh wait, you have been doing that ever since you were 22, didn't you?

Oh shut up, I am not referring to your investment in shoes, I am talking about actual investments. You know, the gold and silver, or real estate, or just whatever is in trend then. I am clueless about these things.

Anyway.

I hope you have some credible amount of published work tagged with your name now. Without any labels and connotations, of course! 

You are where you intended to be. Touchwood!

I do not mean to mock you, but considering your track record, I cannot really figure out if you found the love of your life. If you have, hold on to it, be an equal in the relationship. You have found that one person you would want to call during melancholy and merriment. You deserve all of it, and more.

If you haven’t found the one, it is alright. You shall sail through this phase too. Gracefully! (With some wine, hopefully.)

In the process of getting older, you have gotten your heart broken several times, and you've had friends standing by your side like a solid rock. What would you do without them? You might be their fairy angel, but they are your sun and the moon. In bits and pieces.

You have found your soulmate in the form of love and friendship. Memories, photographs, and social media stand as a testament to all of it. Above everything, your very existence stands as a testament to it.

You have failed and stumbled upon hurdles, but you have emerged stronger with pain and failure. You were born to see the butterflies and stars, and not to settle down for anything that does not challenge you.

You have learned to gather yourself in distress; you have learned to unwind yourself from a busy schedule often and above everything, you have learned to embrace your flaws and vulnerabilities.

Count your blessings, you are the sunshine of your life.

As you finish reading this letter, you will find your lips twitch into a smile. This world is a beautiful place, you muse to yourself.

Happy Birthday!

Love,

23-year-old dorky self

And, It Was A Happy Birthday!

“The cake had a trick candle that wouldn't go out, so I didn't get my wish. Which was just that it would always be like this, that my life could be a party just for me.” 

― Janet Fitch

I turned 23 this Wednesday and I had one of the best birthdays ever. 

But let me warn you, it is not an extremely great feeling, you know? Just a while ago, I was a teenager listening to heavy rock music, and I blink my eyes and whoa, I am 23 now. Just for the record, I do not enjoy heavy rock music any longer.

It is a little scary to know that you are growing older and all that. I know some of you won't agree with me, some will, and those big 3 0s would literally roll their eyes at me and say, look at us and talk, kid. But yes, whatever. I am growing old.

While I am enjoying the afterglow of my birthday and stuffing myself with more cake, I wonder if there is any difference in me when I turned 22 and now. I wonder if I have done something worthwhile in the past one year. I wonder if I learned something - useful or not. Have I gained any experiences?

The answer to all - yes, I have. And I know for a fact that I will keep getting better. Also, I am sure I will get even better by the time I turn 24. 

As I look into the past one year, I think of all the things I have done. I met new people, I made new friends. I have visited a lot of new places, watched good movies, read some wonderful books, ate a lot of delicious food, got rid of some toxic people and reunited with some good old friends, experienced euphoria, bitter sadness, experienced vulnerability and strength, I have written a lot of things, and earned the much coveted freedom from corporate slavery. Touchwood!

I made memories. 

And, I know for a reason that with every passing birthday, we will always have a handful of things that we have done and will remain with you. I am glad I too have them.

Thanks to everyone who were a part of my life, and are a part of my life. You all have given me many stories and I will keep building many more.

Thank you Anirudh, Asisha, Sugumar, Supadha, Haritha, Harish, Kiriti, Amrutha, Anwesha, Suguna! You guys have seen the worst in me and let us just hope you won't see anything more horrible. The worst case scenario factor has reached a saturation point, right? And let me not forget, you guys are all part of the big, major memories I have made. 

Here's to growing old, feeling utterly weird about your age and all that, getting busier with your lives, partners, losing touch with the moronic side of the youth and oh, the carelessness. This too shall pass!

IT WAS ONE HELL OF A BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE!

That Happy Birthday!

Birthdays are supposed to be the most special days in anyone's life. And I am a total Birthday-ho! I love my birthdays and I literally do wait for them. Yes, seriously. :-) Yesterday, I turned 21 and it was certainly one of the best birthdays I ever had. When people say 'Hey, you are 21 now. Behave like one', I really do not understand why we are supposed to behave like an adult. I mean, we do not grow in one night, do we? 

Okay, so my birthday this year was pretty much fun, like I already said. Taking from wasting the food to paying the exorbitant bill, we had fun. We talked a lot, made introverts talk a lot, littered Coffee Day, threw spoons and hurled forks everywhere, and people who have been friends with me for eleven years did remind me that we have been friends for these many years and hell, made fun of Asisha and Anirudh! :-)

I loved opening the presents, cutting the yummy cake, getting clicked, hitting Kiran, chatting with Nisheetha and Asisha, savouring the chocolicious-coffeelicious drinks, talking and posing, and hated the music. :-|

And hey, it was my happy 21! :-D