A Gleeful Farewell to 2016.

With the impending end of 2016, I'm so full of questions and thoughts. Sometimes, they are interfering with my inner peace, the other times, they are only providing a decent amount of fodder for squandering my time.

When I was writing a year-ender post last year, I had so much to tell that I literally cut down many paragraphs but this year, right from the time December arrived, I was fretting about what I have to write. Not because I have to write (which I have to), but also because these posts serve as reminders to all that I was in that particular year. Looking at the way 2016 panned out, it should obviously be the year that set its standards high for beating even the worst. But as a lot of people say...this is how life works. So, between being tangled and untangled, 2016 is a year where life happened to me. It was cruel. It made me vulnerable, but it also made me realize that a human being can be truly surprised what he can live with.

Every time I hit a rock bottom and overcome it, the survivor in me assumes that she is equipped for the worst. Another disaster, another victory, another bravado. But with every disaster, I fall flat and weep into the wee hours of the nights and try to hide my distressed eyes with copious amounts of eyeliner and mascara, the next morning. No matter how much and how well prepared I am for every disaster, I have my own share of fears and insecurities. However, like everyone, I also have an inner voice and in my case, it is a small girl who reminds me of the survivor that I am and urges me to show up. At any cost. And I do. And then, things get better. And then...life happens again.

I remember this time in high school when I wanted to walk into a room and own it; to make conversations with absolute strangers. I wanted to be heard, understood, and more importantly, known. Despite having such strong wishes, I was meek and often too shy to even respond to the questions I was asked. As I grew old, it changed in bits and pieces, but in time, I developed an unhealthy relationship with my own self. To tame my thoughts and incoherency while building a deep connection with myself, I decided to start a blog one night around 5 years ago. I think this worked out well for me. It made me discover my voice, inner strengths and offered me a humble platform to speak. Sure, I still do not walk into a room and own it, but hey, I am getting there. As we speak, I am in the process of checking it off my list too.

This brings me to another vital factor - reading.

I always thought I'd measure my years with the amazing books that I read, but 2016 made me go nuts for one book very particularly - Daytripper by Fábio Moon and Gabriel Bá. Despite reading 75 books this year, discovering new writers and rediscovering many old favourites, I think Daytripper is something that left its mark on me. I'm totally holding on to this like I held on to The Great Expectations.

Talking about someone in past tense is annoyingly excruciating. Even more so, if it is your mother. After losing my mother in August, I've lost my wits and a sense of security. A lot of people say that I've changed a great deal, while the others comment that I have stopped sounding like myself. I was a carefree spirit in my mother's presence, but something has definitely changed inside of me after her death. I don't know what it is, and I will not try hard to put it into words, but a part of me is entirely convinced that at any point of time, anything can happen, and we're not in control of it. It is such an unfortunate truth, isn't it? We mask it by saying it's the beauty of life. But to me, there is nothing beautiful about loss. It changes and molds you in so many patterns that you probably don't recognize yourself when you look into the mirror one day. Harsh truth - it shouldn't change you for bad. The sense of security can be lost and regained, but if you lose the core essence of yourself, it's hard to gain control over it. First-hand experience, please do take it from me!

A lot of things that happened this year made me form stronger bonds with my family. I'm so grateful for that! I make it a point to take time for them now. Earlier, my friends and family always complained that I don't return calls or stay in touch, but I have taken a new leap in that too. I'm guessing they now complain that I am always texting or calling.

Sometimes, even a little amount of unwavering faith takes you a long way. I probably didn't realize that when I started seeing this boy almost a year ago, but in time, it makes me wonder about love. I've written and talked so often about it (Thanks to my unhealthy obsession with romantic comedies and dramas) and as it turns out so much of it is false because love neither comes in fancy packaging nor with tons of confetti. It probably comes in a pretty average but sturdy packaging. Or in the form of a boy who picks your battles like they're his own. I certainly don't have a knight in the shining armour and I don't ask for one. Because what I have is a living, breathing person who shields me like an armour. Sometimes, that's all I ask for. And an unwavering faith!

As I come to an end of this post and 2016, I totally know that I contradicted what I've said in the beginning - that I had nothing to talk or write about. But when I actually sat down to write, there was no stopping. So yes, here's to a slightly depressing but a great deal of learning that 2016 endowed on me. I'm not asking for a fabulous 2017, but I surely won't mind one that comes with pleasant surprises and goodness my way.

To everyone who made this year amazing and got me cupcakes, thank you. To everyone who did not, you all can have a happy New Year too!

P.S. Thank you for reading this unavoidably long post.

New Beginnings.

I have amazing friends. I think of all the wonderful moments I've spent with them and I am constantly amazed at how lucky I am for having them. Especially, when one certain friend travels all the way from a different country to make you feel better. I mean, who does that? How was she able to do that? And why, just why did she do that? I admit I'm quite self-centered. I am flawed. I barely pick my friends' calls. Sometimes, I talk to them only on my whim. I take them for granted. I cancel the meetings they plan ever so carefully. And I never apologize for the wrong things I do. Or say.

Remember we all have that one friend who ditches every plan? Yes, I am that one friend. I wish I spent more time with my friends when I was in college. I wish I had broken my 'I will not meet any friend on a Sunday' rule for them. I wish I told each of my friends how much they matter.

I am not the one who takes lofty New Year resolutions. For me, a fresh beginning can begin anytime and I do not wait for the New Year's eve. But this year, I gladly took one. This year, I will make it a point to make more time for my friends and meet everyone I haven't met in 2015 or in 2014. The list is long, but I am all willing to make amends.

It is time for a new beginning.

2015, Get Lost Now.

2015 is coming to an end. I have never been a huge fan of counting down the final days of a year as I don't care about New Year's eve or celebrating it. My obligation towards the new year is limited to a mandatory blog post and that's that. But what is it about 2015 that makes me want to hold on to it dearly? What is it about 2015 that I'll remember for years? And what is it about 2015 that will always put a smile on my face? I could not list out everything, but here are a few:

1. 2015 has been largely confusing for a lot of reasons. I won't dwell over them, but I'll tell you this. No matter how bad things seem today, they'll slowly fade in time. The people you try to forget, the incidents that bring tears, and the issues that torment you--they'll all fade.

2. People constantly tell me that I am lucky to be doing a job that I love. Touchwood! Two years ago, I never imagined I'd be able to break free, stand up for my dream and take up an actual, real-time writing job. Now that I am, it feels like a million bucks. Probably, nothing feels better than doing something you are passionate about.

3. I have loved and I have lost. It might not be a great story, but it sure made me write some. It was fun while it lasted though its aftertaste was bitter.

4. Goodreads tells me that I've read 59 books this year. I've read and re-read some great books this year. I breathed into the words of Murakami, cried into the pages of Jamie Tworkowski, traveled along with Italo Calvino and Ruskin Bond, and more importantly, I have found lost courage through the beautiful world that Elizabeth Gilbert created.

I cannot thank these writers enough for their lovely creations.

5. My unhealthy obsession with letters dates back to the 90s. I have written some and received some this year.

As we talk, I've used FutureMe.org to send a letter to my future self. I think this is an immensely important activity that we must all indulge in. Go ahead, and write yourself one! I am sure your future self will be pleasantly surprised to receive a letter from past.

6. I have been turning into a reclusive person with every passing year. I am not complaining, though. I think I began enjoying my company so much that I don't feel lonely anymore. I itch for solitude.

I have cut ties with unhealthy friendships and I am glad that they are no longer in my life.

In a sad way, some relationships with my friends and family are a little strained. I am not even putting in an effort to repair them. Maybe it's time I do.

7. Not all families are perfect. No family is as nice as it seems. Some families are broken beyond repair, and some are held together by a really thin string. I am glad that I have a family and that I go home to them. This year certainly made me realize that it's hard work to keep your family together. I've learned it the hard way.

8. A few years ago, I've never imagined that I'd be buying a vehicle by 24. I have and every time I look at it in my parking area, I brim with joy.

I am learning how to drive and I am loving it.

9. I have openly discussed my emotions and issues this year. I have used several mediums for it -- my blog, one on one conversations, talking, writing, and above everything, by standing up for it.

I've said this earlier and I'll say it again. There is nothing wrong in seeking help, there is nothing small in admitting you are not okay. You are human and on odd days, your heart aches. Sometimes, longer. Be assured that there are a lot of people like you who feel what you feel. All you need to do is reach out.

10. My unhealthy eating and sleeping habits have taken a toll over me. Over the last two months, I have tried controlling them. I am hoping 2016 would prove to be a healthier year.

***

There is something about having your closest friends in town, even if you barely meet them. Two of my friends have left to the USA this year, and it hit me that I'll miss them only when I saw them walking away on our last meetings. I've never been great at goodbyes. They are hard, and I am pretty sure I'll never be okay with them. I've endured some excruciatingly painful moments yet incredibly lovely moments this year. I've made friends at my workplace and at unusual of places, and I am okay with doing that now.

In many ways, 2015 has been a year of unexpected surprises, separations, rediscovering friendships, self-discovery (almost), and of course, more writing.

To everyone who has been nice to me, gotten me cupcakes and were there for me, thank you. And to everyone who haven't done that, well, you have a happy New Year too.

P.S. The long followed tradition of falling asleep at 10:30 PM on 31st December shall be followed this year too.

2014 So Far!

“You raze the old to raise the new.” 

― Justina Chen, North of Beautiful

2014 has been quite unpredictable, and on many occasions, it was disappointing and excruciating too. No matter what I say, it has been a great learning experience, but I wish to go on a holiday from the grand learning experience.

I am not sure if I have anything much to say, but I just do not want to break the ritual of writing the end of the year post.

1) As you all know, I was a corporate slave, doing things I hated and absolutely did not care for. When my manager said I was not good enough, I am glad I paid attention to it. I moved on to a job I cared in the pursuit of creating something beautiful instead of trying to get myself into another corporate rut.

2) It does not come as a surprise to me when I say there are very few friends with whom you can pick where you left. I am glad I have them, and I would not go overboard to say I love them, but I am almost there.

These people have stood by my side all the time. Though they were royally absent in my happiness, they never gave up on me in my distress.

3) The best way to know if you can trust someone is by trusting them. If you are willing to put your trust in them, I am sure they are worth the effort. 

4) If not for reading and writing, I would not even be half the person I am.

The sorcery of words, beauty of letting you dive into a whole new world, introducing people of different ideologies and tastes are amazing.

Perhaps the beauty of emotions is always spoiled when I try to talk about them. But when I write them, they sound surreal. But real!

5) I've lost and let go off too many people this year. You can take my word for it-I have made peace with myself by forgiving them.

But it does not mean the broken things can be repaired. Not yet.

6) There is this one person who has the ability to bring out the best and the worst in me, bringing out the child in me, making me do things I probably never imagined, saying things I would not even dare to say in the wildest of my dreams.

This person is not the sunshine to my life. Oh no, definitely not! But it sure feels like sunshine when this person is around me.

And even when I claim not to throw tantrums with this person, I always do. I know it, but I argue otherwise.

7) There is really no antidote to pain and loss.

But red velvet cupcakes and tiramisu take care of the pain. Temporarily!

8) When you really like someone, it does not even matter what you are going through or willing to go through for them.

9) Solitude and silence are beautiful beyond imagination. Living all by myself on the days my parents are away, cooking for myself, cleaning my space, and reading, ah! Needless to say, the best things always come in tiny packages.

10) Over the last 6 months, I set a record of wearing just black. Mostly! My mother is wondering if I am wearing the same outfit every day, and my colleague keeps asking me if I'd ever get bored of it.

I think I should buy some colours the next year. My mourning outfits need to go on a break.

11) I have turned into a bigger caffeine addict. I am trying to cut down but I think I would fail. Miserably! 

12) I have made some real time investments this year. I am a little proud of myself.

13) I sold my first story. More details soon.

14) I have lost the interest in making conversations, and I am hoping it would turn into a lost art. 

15) While writing, you always need a good editor. An editor who can edit your work relentlessly, calling it a piece of trash, and sit for long hours with you, trying to beat sense in your slightly delusional mind, by correcting your grammar and replacing mundane words with graceful ones. You need this editor to read out Abbe Prevost or Proust to you. 

Phew! I had a tough time listing out these things, and most of them do not make any sense. But this year has just been tumultuous, you know?

As I close my eyes, I can now remember the good things--reuniting with lost friends, rekindling forgotten emotions, meeting your teacher and the first editor who inspired you to do something beautiful, late night conversations, sleepovers, writing my first Haiku poem, meeting fabulous people, discovering great musicians, painters and writers, looking at this person eating ice-cream like a child, embracing friendships that are beyond geographical restrictions, writing more than ever, turning into a braver person, earning the ability of expressing what I like and what I do not, not putting up with people who harm me, and pushing myself to work for the things that matter.

I have always loved myself above everything, and I will always. That is a promise!

To everyone who has been a part of my life and this post this year, thank you. For contributing bits and pieces of your life into mine! You add stars to my memories.

Here's to growing older, flying time, wasted nights, haunting dark circles, beautiful memories, smiles and laughter, broken promises, words and conversations, love and a lot like it. Happy 2015!

And now 2015, can you just grow my bangs already? I feel like a goof with this haircut.

18 Things I Learned in 2013!

“For last year's words belong to last year's language 

And next year's words await another voice.” 

― T.S. Eliot

A year ago, I was spending one laid back evening at Truffles Cafe. What a simple way of welcoming a New Year! I admit it-it was the best 31st. It was perfect. Things have so changed so massively in a year. 

I sit down to write this, with so many thoughts in my head, and too many new songs in my playlist. I brood over all the things that happened this year. It has been one disgusting year topped with awful things. But, I've written down things that I learned this year. 

1. It is extremely difficult to hang out with people who do not enjoy food. Even if they are your closest friends alive on this planet Earth, I cannot be with someone who cannot enjoy food.

2. Indian writers are not bad at all. They are quite insightful. 
Jhumpa Lahiri, thanks for being with me this year. Your books were what I really needed.

3. People change. Things change. For good or bad.

You cannot expect things to be the way you want. *Sigh* So unjust!

4. A heartbreak can make you very vulnerable. It tears you apart. You see a different person in yourself. You see things with a different perspective. You change. A heartbreak is not simply an experience, it is a journey. We all go through it. Gracefully!

5. I saw myself going from "I don't want to wake up this morning" to "Let my room remain dark for I am doomed" to "I shall ignore everyone" to "Let me get sloshed" phase. And since my friends are my friends for a mighty reason, they stood by my side in madness and sadness. (It sounds cheesy. Yes, whatever!) 

6. It is alright to be alone. It is alright to go to a cafe alone, have a cup of coffee, and read a book.

For once, it is okay to go shopping alone and carry your own bags. 

It is better to watch movies alone too. Once can concentrate better. (Feel free to roll your eyes.)

7. Why, just why are people SO into this multiplex culture? It is an epic experience to watch a movie in a non-AC theater, located outside the city, without a parking lot. That is what I did this September 27. Boy, was it fun or was it fun? 

Also, the best movies are the ones I haven't watched in a multiplex. 

8. Facebook sucks. It leads to all bad things. It leads to stupid delusions.

9. Cooking takes your head off so many things. Practically, it makes you feel better. I turned into an awesome cook this year, and I just cannot stop bragging about it. Hello, are you listening?

10. There is never too much butter! I mean, really. 

11. Nothing like trance. 

12. First impression is always the worst impression. I am glad I did not go by the old idiom for I would have never made the friends I made this year. I made wonderful friends this year who put up with my whims and caprices, tantrums, ennui, and basically, every brickbat I threw at them. I am sure this trend will continue the next year, and yes, forever. Practically.

Sweet life!

12. I've started seeking comfort in words. Books. Not people. 

You've got a problem with that?

13. You can never hate the people you loved and adored once. You still feel the same about them.

You might be angry, and annoyed with them. I call it a momentary lapse of reason. 

And of course, there are always the second chances. 

14. Lately, I have realized that I am good at ignoring people. Most of the people. I am better off doing that.

If someone is trying to pull you down, if you have even a shred of dignity left, kindly shut them off. You don't need them. You deserve something beautiful. 

15. It is okay to not to have a clue on what you want to do, or what your lifetime plan is. Or what the back-up plan is if plan-A flounders.

For Christ's sake, I am just 22. I am young. I am learning. Let me make mistakes when I can afford to make them. 

16. Working in a corporate office is good. But having 100 bucks in the pocket of your pants as a college student is far richer feeling than having Visa/Mastercards in your bag. 

The coffee you share with your friends in a local place is better than Starbucks. 

17. I am glad I have a sister. Not a brother. I have enough cousin brothers who make my life painfully sweet yet miserable.

I am happy to have a sister who annoys me all the time, serves me bedside maggi, and lends me her favourite t-shirt once in a while.

18. Make memories. Take pictures. Your stupid brain won't store all the memories. Your pictures are the testament to all that you were. You didn't just have those moments. You lived them. Loved them. Take pictures. Document your life. It is worth it. 

I end this post on a rather nostalgic note. 2013, you have been incorrigible. Yet eventful. I shall never forget 2013. 

Thanks to everyone who were with me in this mad year. Also, the ones who weren't with me. Huge thanks. (No. I am not being sarcastic. *Grins*)

I hope you all have a smashing 31st and a wonderful 2014. And me? I already see a dirty martini enticing me.

Love,

Sunaina.

New Year's Resolutions??

I have secretly sworn on following *SIX* resolutions that I took on this New Year and I must admit that I have failed miserably. Not everyone can follow the resolutions and the person who follows them comes into the category of “I-don’t-know-what”. Okay, they call it "the survival of the fittest" but hello, who cares?

So yeah, what are we good at? Making and breaking promises? Hell yes! :-D Nevertheless, it’s good to have resolutions; they make you feel important and you almost hallucinate that you are following a certain set of guidelines. Period.

And here I go-the six resolutions that have already taken a toll on me and I ended up un-following them just in three months:

1) I will drag and throw away all those clothes that I haven’t worn since an year. I will clean up my closet.

Was I an idiot to make this as one of my resolutions?

2) I will NOT get connected to Internet, Google, mobile, laptop, YouTube, twitter etc. I would rather do some real time tasks.

Okay okay, facebook too. Happy?

3) I will learn all tricks of good cooking and will turn into a master chef. And I turned into a master hogger.

4) I will maintain a diary. Yes, I will. I will make an entry of all my major goof-ups, daily misnomers, and the lessons I have learnt. I have always wanted to maintain a diary since I was a sixth grader and almost all the diaries ended up as the rough copies for my math practice. *Sigh*

But hey, does a blog constitute for a diary?

5) I will stop adding “super” in front of every damned word. I feel like a stupid teenager every time I use that word but I cannot stop using it. :|

 

6) Focus! Focus! And focus! I should be able to focus and complete all my articles on time before the deadlines sneak. Yes, I will not procrastinate. I will complete my pending work instead of opening my word document and log in to Facebook and day dream.