Sunday, July 24, 2016

But, Where Am I Heading?

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Sunday, July 24, 2016

I've been totally slacking off my blog and my writing (except the ones that pay) for days now and Pokemon Go must be blamed for it. Just when I figured the game isn't working and it won't for a long time, I imagined I would nicely slip back into my regular routine of life. However, I am distracted with Gilmore Girls. The list is endless, I could find tons of things that could distract me from my lofty and otherwise amazing goals. Sometimes I don't know what I am doing with my life. Or to be more precise, where my life is heading towards. I think about it often. Especially on the nights when my Wifi doesn't work.

The past few weeks have been spent in a hurry, I cannot recollect a single thing that I have done without rushing. It has been all overwhelming and with so much going on, I am still clueless as to where I am heading with my life. The whos, the whats, the hows, the whys - I am just trying to get around with all these things. Sure, the attempts and mostly feeble and futile, nevertheless, I am still trying to understand the core of what I am trying to create with my life.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a lot of things. I wanted to be a ballerina donning tulles wherever I go. I wanted to be a person who tells stories to people around me. I wanted to be an archaeologist because I figured it would be fun to be one. I had a harmonica when I was five and I played it so terribly that people around me hoped they'd die. That did not stop me from wanting to be a harmonica player. Backtracking my childhood, it doesn't come as a surprise to me that I wanted to be a lot of things. It kind of made me very happy that I was interested in a bunch of cool things. As I grew older, a certain sort of weariness and introspection took over me. I took the time to understand that I did not want to be an engineer. Nor did I wanted to do an MBA I slogged years for. I just wanted to write, be close to writing, but now that I am doing that already, people ask me if this is all I want to do or if there's more to it. And there, that sends me into a tumultuous frenzy. Because I do not truly know if there is more to my life than writing? Or if my life is heading anywhere except towards that.

Like I said, I am still not sure of what I'm doing with my life. Yet, whatever I am doing right now, it makes me feel very alive. If you know what I mean? It makes me laugh, it makes me cry and more than a million times, it makes me question my sanity and threshold levels. But for all intents and purposes, the lack of clarity is making me enjoy the moment. Even when I am suffering.

So, what did I say when I started? That I wasn't sure where my life is heading towards? Well, we shall see that it fetches a closure, soon.

P.S. Here’s something that I got published, last week:

Happy reading. Toodles!

2 comments:

saichandra sv on 13 Aug 2016, 13:55:00 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
saichandra sv on 13 Aug 2016, 13:59:00 said...

Life isn't the way it used to be a year back or so.. It has changed drastically and suddenly too. And when I come across these kind of lines it really scares me.. I don't know if it leading towards good or bad

 

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