The Things We Do Not Intend to Do.

The things we do not intend to do are often the ones that creep into our lives without a warning sign, said someone to me. I do not think so.

The things, the real things we intend to do and end up doing are mostly something that lurks in our mind for a long period of time. How else would you convince your strong mind to do what's insanely unhealthy for you? Last week, my friend committed suicide. It is a heartbreaking moment, especially because I've known this person for over 15 years now. I have a distant yet very familiar images and memories with this friend, who certainly made me laugh out loud at certain moments. Always full of life, nobody really knew that something that terrible would occur. I mean, who would predict something like this? Who would assume that a twelve-year-old child who'd often forget math homework would grow up to forget the value of his true self? Why would anyone suspect that the person who brought a lot of us together in several instances would give up on his amazing self?

This brings me to a highly important matter - the struggles we all go through. They are real. They are painful. They are often incorrigible. We might not understand the amount of affect our struggles might have on us, but the fact that life tends to bring each one of us to a brink of losing ourselves and giving into the pain is tangible. At every stage of life, I might add. I do not want to sound philosophical or preachy when I say it. The world is a difficult place to live and in many parts of the world, people are living with an abysmal amount of despair, but always hope for a better tomorrow. That is all we need, right? A better tomorrow. However, how can we yearn for a better tomorrow if we refuse to build a firmer and beautiful today?

In a thoroughly hard way, I've realized that human beings are slaves to their emotions. I admit that I often find myself in a dark zone, just like a lot of people out there. I believe there is a way out, though. Sure, it is a maze but coming out of a maze isn't hard either. Especially with people and lot of help available to us.

So, I am using this as a medium to urge people to fight for a better tomorrow. That a single bad thing does not have to lead to a desperate act of impulsiveness. There is a lot to do in life, we haven't even seen the tiniest part of it yet. There are amazing things we could do with our strength. We could create, recreate, build, rebuild - some of the greatest things and joys of life that human beings and only human beings are capable of doing. Let's please use this power to live a life that we all dreamed of as 8-year-olds.

Here's something useful. Facebook has launched a suicide prevention tool. If you come across a friend's account whose posts indicate they might have suicidal tendencies, you could help them. Youth Ki Awaaz has written a very helpful post on this, that can be accessed here: http://www.youthkiawaaz.com/2016/06/facebook-suicide-prevention-tool/

I believe everyone must know and make this tool known amongst the people we know. Seek and give help, whenever required.

And to my friend, I really hope you lived a life longer enough to have your own happy ending. Your time wasn't done yet. May your soul rest in peace.

Long Gone.

It was a warm Summer afternoon. She stretched her aching feet on the tender grass by a stream. She chose this spot to write letters to him. She always chose this spot, to write him long letters of love; to write him mundane letters that hid her pain.

She wrote to him about the hens in their courtyard and about the persistent water scarcity in their village. She wrote to him about a strange sweet smelling fruit she had every morning and how she cannot wait for him to come back. She wrote to him describing the injury on her right elbow and how she missed holding his hand. She wrote to him about the beautiful, orange sunsets and how she would do everything to be closer to him in that moment.

She wrote to him about the Sun and the Moon. About the endless blue sky and twinkling stars.

She just wrote to him about everything.

Not knowing he was long gone.

Journal Entry 537.

“When you're on your own, you look for signs. Sometimes you make them up, sometimes they're actually there, but most of the time you can't tell the difference from the two.” 

― Cecelia Ahern

January 4, 2015

I sat up whole night musing over time and how days are simply passing by. I am worried. I do not want to be the one standing alone looking at time pass.

I went over the details of my day, grimacing over the ones that were highly unpleasant, and smiling at the ones I've spent thinking about us.

I've had a terrible day, you know?

I did not just miss my deadlines, I missed my morning bus too. What if this turns into a compulsive habit? Also, did I tell you how incorrigible my new editor is? I blame you for this. If not for you, I would have just remained as a closet writer.

I have lost the track of the world around me.

And you, your thoughts never seem to go away from me.

The tears too have dried out but I haven't lose the count of the days ever since you left.

537 days. I am still counting.

Of course, there is no looking back. You told me that. But have I ever paid heed to your advice? I should have, you know? When you were still around!

Our pet has grown older, and ferocious. I can tell you, he misses you. He looks for you in every stranger. Your mother longs to treat you with the chocolate cake you loved as a child. Your father hopes you would magically appear at our doorstep every morning. No one can fill your void at his chess table.

And I? I wish I could tell you I am brave enough to wait forever but I miss my morning sunshine, waking up to your lazy smile and sleepy voice asking for a cup of coffee, and your warm breath at the nape of my neck.

I wish you were still here.

To experience more of my words and its enigma, flowers and their enticing fragrance, dandelion seeds and their sly quirks, sky and its endless hope. I want you to just remember that I have started loving the beauty of the world only after I fell in love with you.

Even the sapling we first planted together has grown into a giant tree bearing sweet smelling fruit.

I wish you stayed. I wish you weren't gone already.

I See Her

25 minutes

She did not come.

45 minutes

She must have been stuck in a traffic jam.

60 minutes

Now I am scared. 

Ananya was never late. She was always on time. I have been meeting her in this park for the past six months and she has never been late. She would reach here by 8 PM and stay till 9 PM. She would not stay for a minute over 9 even if I pleaded her. I fell on her feet too.Tough luck! Never worked. She said she had family issues. I said that I understood. Honestly, I never did. She never gave me her number. She said she did not have one. I never forced her into anything. I loved her. I found solace in her. After a hectic day of work at college, she was the only one that gave me happiness. Pure happiness! The sixty minutes of time that I spent with her on this bench gave me the world of joy. She was mine. 

But she did not come today. The next day.  And the very next day.

I could not take her off my mind. Her long black tresses, her big black eyes, her expressions made me sigh. Where did she go? There was no way that I could get to her. Did she realize that she was throwing me into a mess? I stopped going to the college and sat in the park the whole day. May be she decided to come early? She wouldn't even be able to contact me. I thought of all the moments I spent with her. She always dressed in light colours. I saw her mostly in white and pink. She loved pink. She always laughed loudly, and always smiled. She reserved a special smile for me. It made me go crazy. She was mine.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into some more weeks, and no, they did not turn into months. I wouldn't let that happen, would I? I vaguely remembered the name of the locality she stayed. She said many times that it was her favourite place. I wasted no time. I got into my car and reached her locality. It took me an odd thirty minutes. It did not take much time for me to recognize her house. The name plate on a house showed her surname. I went in. After a few impatient knocks, her servant opened the door. I asked for Ananya, he took me to a room which had her parents in it. Her mom looked like an older version of Ananya. I understood where her good looks have come from.

"Aunty, I am Ananya's friend. Can I talk to her for a while?" I wanted to see her. I was desperate.

"Since when have you been her friend?” she eyed me warily.

"Umm, six months."

"You are joking. Aren't you?"

"Why would I? She is not coming to the college every day. We were worried. Can I meet her once?", her dad did not even look at me. Arrogance! :|

"Boy! Are you out of your mind? Are you even at the right Ananya's place?"

"Are you Mrs Malhotra?"

"Very much I am."

"Then I am at the right place. Call her. Please!"

"You make no sense at all. I suppose you were on a long break, and a very long one at that."

She sighed and asked me to follow her. She took me to a room and showed me a picture. I stood at my place and did not move a tiny bit. Aunty put a piece of paper in my hand and left the room. No! This couldn't have happened. I met her just three weeks ago. Tears welled in my eyes. 

15th April, 2008. Her death certificate was dated with this. It has been four years now. And I could see her. My world was devastated. How could she die? I walked out of her house dazed.

I drove like a madman. Period. I saw her, I saw her. She was standing by the park. The same special smile! And before I could stop her, I saw her vanish into thin air in front of my eyes. It sent a chill down my spine. 

It all happened in seconds and I couldn't do anything. But I did not want to sulk over it. She chose to show herself to me. Just me! I felt special. There was a reason for everything and this girl made my life special. Indeed! 

I headed back home with a smile on my face. I was special. And she was mine.

I still see her at times today. She doesn't talk to me. But whenever I am in trouble, she appears. I know that she will be there for me. Forever!

Today, I am fifty and it's my daughter Ananya's wedding. Nothing has changed. I still see her.