Thursday, February 11, 2016

What Are Your Fears?

Posted by Sunaina Patnaik at Thursday, February 11, 2016

What are your fears? What terrifies you? No, I am not talking about spiders or crocodiles, dark streets or heights. I am referring to the patterns of fears that keep you awake till the wee hours of nights.


Do you have insecurities?
Because I have tons of them.
Copious amounts of them.


On a regular day, what are your fears and insecurities? Let me tell you mine.


The alarm on my phone goes berserk at 6 AM reminding me that it's time to do something productive and that I need the discipline to achieve things that seem too far-fetched. But on most days, I snooze it. Later, on feeling guilty, I wake up groggily at 6:30 AM only to end up staying in bed till 7:30 swiftly going through Twitter, Gmail, Facebook...basically everything social media. And Instagram. How can I forget Instagram? I live like my existence depended on it. Every morning, I look at so many beautiful pictures taken across the world on the screen of my phone.


I look at the pictures of Paris and keep troubling my mind if I would ever see the place or not.


I look at the perfect pictures of women with clear skin and sometimes, I don't feel very thrilled about the acne on my face.


I look at the pictures of couples holding their hands and staring into the sunset and feel a throbbing pain wondering if someone would ever love me that way. I look at those pictures and hope someone would not wake up one morning and stop loving me as if it was once a petty hobby.


I look at more pictures, assuming, always assuming that their lives are so much fancier than mine.


As I while away my time till 7:30 AM on Instagram, I realize my day is just beginning. I drag myself out of the bed to get ready for the job I love doing, the only thing I probably look forward to on weekdays.


Yet another thought of insecurity creeps in. What if one day I fail to put words on paper? What if I turn into a person with no passion?


During lunch, I am constantly worried about the amount of food I am eating, counting every crumb I eat and eat just one slice of pizza even when I crave more. I mean, the nature of my body is prone to put on weight. Like everyone else's.


Oftentimes I have a feeling of trepidation that I am missing out on life. That I am hurting my friends or attracting idiots. In both the cases, I end up in tears. I'm perpetually afraid of getting hurt.


It doesn't end right here, because, on my way home from work, I curse myself for not reading enough. For not doing more. For consuming lots of coffee. For being selfish. For not being a part of the important events in my friends' lives. For not picking calls. For ignoring messages and emails. For taking impulsive decisions. For being fragile. For being just me.


Yet my Instagram profile states otherwise. Like I have no fears or insecurities.


But I have tons of them.
Copious amounts of them.


2 comments:

Ashwini on 11 Feb 2016, 11:50:00 said...

This post is very similar to the thoughts I was having today. It is human nature to have insecurities, it's a natural phenomenon that happens effortlessly. We need to put in conscious efforts to replace those insecurities with constructive thoughts. It's very difficult but that's the only way to fight them.

Sunaina Patnaik on 11 Feb 2016, 21:55:00 said...

@Ashwini: You are absolutely right, Ashwini.

 

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